STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES.

This blog entry is proving pretty hard to put into words. I know it's going against what I've promised in the past and will leave some people who read it feeling awkward, not knowing how to react. You don't have to react. I write these blogs more for myself than anything I guess, although I'm aware people are reading them from time to time I'm not talking to any particular one of you when I write them. It'd be less awkward for both of us if this particular entry remains unread I guess. I'm posting it because I promised myself that this would be a 'warts n all' blog, a permanent record of what David Starmer had to say.

I need help. Professional help I guess, help I'm not getting, despite having a senior occupational therapist and a consultant psychiatrist in charge of my care. 'Care' thats a ridulous word for what goes on in that place if ever there was one. How many people in that bloody place actually 'care' about their patients? None. I could count on one hand the number of people I've met in person who actually do care for me, and even they're pushed to the limit with me.

I hate myself so much. On a daily basis. I hate what I am, I hate what I see in the mirror, I hate what I've done to others and I hate what I've become. I'm so full of hate it's pushing most of my other emotions to the side and taking over. How can I expect others to care about me when I don't care about myself? When I go to sleep wishing myself dead most nights, wishing that someone would take pity on me and allow me never to wake up ever again and be free of this constant battle with myself.

I don't want to live like this. This isn't living. It's existing. Existing would be fine if there was something waiting at the end of the journey, but there's nothing. Why am I existing? What for? What is my purpose in life? Some twisted form of long drawn out punishment so everyone can point and laugh at the freak show when he breaks down? Sometimes that's all I am. I'm breaking down and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know who to talk to, what to do or how to cope?

Alot more happened tonight, but I don't think I'm ready to talk about that just yet.