MEET N' GREETS

There's always someone who wants me to do something I don't want to do. It's hard to say no to friends when you know it'll disappoint them or it's something they really have their heart set on doing with you, but sometimes, and if they really cared they'd understand that it's not always that you don't want to, it's that you can't.

I'm useless in person. I wish people would realise this. I usually only shine online. I feel uncomfortable in almost all social situations and whilst I can have a laugh, raise a smile etc, inside I'm terrified of people sitting too close or putting me on the spot with an awkward question or suggestion. I'm on edge the entire time I'm around people, I don't know why it should be like this anymore, because I normally only surround myself with people I care about and want to be with anyway but I worry about silly things like hygene; whether or not I smell; I cake myself in deoderant in the hope that all they'll smell is Nivea instead of 'terror'. or looks; if I'm panicking inside then possibly will be visibly uncomfortable on the outside, I'll go red or sweat etc, personal space; whether people are gonna suddenly lunge at me for a hug or touch me without warning; again relating to my personal hygene etc. This kinda stuff is covered in my therapy sessions and it's something I'm dealing with over time. If I'm in a room with people for a certain amount of time I find myself feeling suffocated, I make excuses to leave from time to time just to catch my breath. People are aware I'm doing this now and just let me get on with it I guess. This is obviously easier at my own house because I'm the host so can easily refresh drinks or collect plates/glasses to be taken out of the room. Not so easy when you're at someone elses house coz you basically only have "I'll be right back, I need the toilet." to work with.

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy social situations from time to time, when they're planned in advance and I have time to prepare for them but they're usually on my terms, when I've helped decide the date we're meeting on and we're meeting at my house or wherever. I think everyone knows better than to just 'surprise' me by knocking on the door now, because I probably wouldn't even answer it. Recently I've extended my 'comfort zone' and have been travelling further afield than I ever thought I would, and it's been fantastic to be able to feel comfortable in someone elses house as well as my own. I know getting there is sometimes a nightmare and I panic alot, but once I'm there and the door is closed I know I'm safe and can relax. I don't think I'll ever get used to travelling, but I know I can do it and I know what to expect now. The downside of achieving this though, was more and more people expected me to go and visit them. Which I can understand, I've done it for one person so why I can't I do it for everyone? Well I just can't. I'm sorry. I never in a million years thought I'd travel out of Leicester with someone on a train, now I can even do it on my own I still find it hard to believe I've actually done it and I'm actually there.



I guess what I'm trying to say is, I will meet you in person at some point, but hopefully you'll understand that I find it difficult and might need a bit more time to get used to the idea first. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I have to tell myself that It'll be fine and that this is what 'normal' people do all the time without a care in the world.