GREAT EXPECTATIONS

Sometimes I'm nothing more than a glorified receptionist. I answer MY phone only to find the call isn't for me, but the caller was given the number by my Mum, who convieniently isn't anywhere to be found so I find myself taking endless messages for her throughout the day. She has her own phone - I don't know WHY she gives out my number. I get all excited when a parcel arrives at the door only to find out it's not for me, my brother has had it sent here because he knew I'd be in to sign for it. The doorbell rings and after initially thinking 'who the fuck can that be?' and debating whether or not to hide, I answer it to find it's one of the neighbours with a message for my Mum. I have no life of my own. Where did it go?

I did some Christmas shopping today. Yes, Christmas! EEEK! Mum suggested a trip into town which I thought would be cool because I wanted to check out the Halloween stuff for the party at the end of the month, but then I realised we were making a detour via Mavis' house. Mum can talk but stick her in a car with Mavis for a few hours and you don't stand a hope in hell of getting a single word in. We left here just gone 9am and didn't get back until gone 2pm. 5 HOURS!!! 5 hours of shopping that could have easily been done in 2 were I alone. I don't think I said a single word for the duration - I did however find some fabulous things for the party and the cat food was on offer so Lucy/Beryl can dine in style tonight. (That Cat eats better than I do most days. Little madam!)

I'm bored. Oh so bored. I need a new challenge - A project of sorts? Something to keep my brain occupied because It's slowly and surely turning into a stagnant pond.

A TALE OF TWO KITTIES

There seems to be some confusion over my kitty so I thought I'd explain. I only have one cat. One cat with two personalities - Lucy and Beryl. Lucy is my little bundle of snuggles but Beryl is one grumpy bitch. You don't wanna mess with Beryl, she has a look that says "I could kill you with my two front paws". If you're lucky enough to get a snuggle from her then it's more than likely going to be Lucy you're snuggling. Lucy loves snuggles.

Confused? Try living with them you never know which one is gonna pounce on ya from one minute to the next. *giggles*

PICTURE ME

I don't write many 'fun' blogs anymore. They're usually ranting or raving about this or that so I thought for a change I'd leave the moans at the door and get stuck into a mini-project instead. I've seen a couple of these 'photo challenge' things online lately and I thought I'd give it a go myself. The idea being that for a so-many day period you post a photo each day about a different subject. (Hopefully I will do this, because I'm aware how slack I am when it comes to finishing projects.) It's just a bit of a fun and involves something I'm very passionate about... no, not Toblerones... TAKING PHOTOS!!

This is the particular challenge I've settle on. I know there are several different ones out there that vary but as I'm not in college I didn't really wanna have to post 'a photo of my favourite teacher' or 'a photo of my classroom crush'. I doubt I can even remember that far back anyway. *grin* I'll be posting the photos on Facebook if you wanna take this journey with me. Who knows - it might be fun?


day 1. a photo of you that you use as a default on facebook

day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago

day 3. a photo that makes you happy

day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday

day 5. a photo of something you got for your birthday and will never forget

day 6. a photo that makes you laugh

day 7. a photo of someone you care about

day 8. a photo of an object you use alot

day 9. a photo of your family

day 10. a photo of someone you're not in contact with anymore

day 11. a photo of your favourite dvd(s)

day 12. a photo of you

day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)

day 14. a photo of one of your favourite family members

day 15. a photo of you and someone you love

day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to

day 17. a drunk photo of you

day 18. a photo of one of your home

day 19. a photo of you on a daytrip

day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing

day 21. a photo of you standing up

day 22. a photo of you when you were a child

day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby

day 24. a photo of something you're going to drink today

day 25. a photo of a night you loved

day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend

day 27. a photo taken over a year ago

day 28. a photo of something you're going to eat today

day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive

day 30. a photo of you when you were happy


I'm ready for my close up. *pouts*

LARGE LOVES MEDIUM

I'm ploughing through Season 5 of Medium at a happy pace. So glad to finally have this, having waited about a year for the dvd release. Season 6 comes out soon but in America - so I need to find out when the UK release date is because if it's gonna be another year then I'm just gonna buy the region 1 dvd. Season 6 is currently being shown over here (on a channel I don't have - Grrr.) so hopefully it won't be too long. I guess I was quite lucky getting into the show late because by the time I got into it, three seasons were already out on dvd and the release of Season 4 was imminent.

I'm soooo tired today and My Medium-Marathon is to blame. The chances of sleeping in just weren't going to happen with the kids being here overnight. They've been here all weekend. I was rudely woken up at the crack of 'Martin' by Leah who crept into my bedroom and whispered "Dayid - Are you awake?" (Leah can't say David properly - so she calls me Dayid.) Lucy must have heard her coming coz she scarpered quicker than you can say "Breakfast!" Although she soon came out of hiding once Leah and I filled her food bowl with a pouch of cat food. Serving trout when you're still half asleep isn't the ideal way to start the day I can tell ya, but started it had.

So, I'm here - I'm awake and we're babysitting the kids until 8pm. It's gonna be a looooooong day.

CHANCE OF A LUNCHTIME

I had lunch with my Mum today. Well, two mouthfuls of it with her anyway, the rest I ate alone. She'd invited me down for something to eat this morning and as I had nothing else planned I thought it'd be nice to spend some time with her so I agreed. We haven't really spent any time together since her birthday so it was long overdue. It's been like St Pancras station here this morning though what with the amount of traffic we've had through the place. It doesn't really affect me though when people visit here because 1) They know they're not welcome in my part of the house and 2) People now know better than to ever visit me without ample warning. (in writing!)

The first sign that the day wouldnt go as planned should have been when I smelt lunch on fire. Had I been more alert I would have just climbed out of the window and ran knowing I'd have to eat the charred remains eventually, but no, I went and saved lunch as "The cook" had got distracted gossiping with a neighbour. As said neighbour finally fucked off and I was serving what could be saved of the lunch the gas man knocked at the door to read the metre. (or so he thought - what he actually got was a brief history of Wigston from the last 100 years from my Mum.) Now not only was lunch burnt, but it was also cold. We sat down and trust me salt & pepper is your friend whenever my Mum cooks so with everything drenched in that we were ready to eat. STOP!! Doorbell. WHAT?? Leave it. No - it might be important. It won't be. It could be. OH ANSWER IT THEN!! And that was that. Lunch was brought to an abrupt end - The kids had arrived. Although my jacket potatoe made a lovely doorstop no amount of salad and bread could make up for that lunch being SHIT so being left to my own devices I binned it and escaped back to my little bubble of cosyness.

*opens a bag of Milkyway Magic stars* I'm STARVING!!

PALE SEPTEMBER

It's September already. Where HAS the year gone? As I turned the T. Pig Calendar page over this morning I was greeted by the toofy grin of Maynard T. Pig and the shocking reminder that in 8 days time I have a dentist appointment. *gulps* Bad Times! When that's over with I can chillax into an alcohol-induced coma for my birthday weekend. 34 years old - There was me wondering where this year had gone but when I think about it 33 others have slipped by pretty damn quick too. *gulps*

Had my therapy session with JAM today - It went well. We didn't talk about much, there's still a big huge grey area of recent events I'm not ready to get into but we had a good old chat over coffee and it was nice to see another human being for a change. Thankfully the courrier dropped the parcel off I was waiting for about 8.30am so I wasn't tied to the house as expected and I've done alot today actually, been on the go since the crack of Martin out and about running errands so I feel like I've actually done something instead of sat gawping at Facebook. (Although I've had a few peaks during the day - admittedly.)

Hopefully September will be a fun month for all.

LOST AND FOUND

I found an old poem I wrote thirteen years ago. Some of my old poetry really makes me cringe, but at the time I thought the words were gold dust and clung to them in an emo-induced state. Kinda random how I found this one really, because I thought I'd thrown all that shit out. Maybe this one stuck around for a reason? When I started typing this blog I was originally going to share it with you, but then I thought.... NO.

Thanks for the cool feedback on the new blog layout by the way - The brighter colours seem to have had a positive outcome. Hopefully the next few blogs will be a bit brighter in subject matter too because August has been a pretty crappy month in general me thinks so I'm more than happy to leap into September. New month - New start and all that bollocks. I have a therapy session with JAM on Wednesday but I haven't done any of the tasks I was set, so I'm expecting a slap on the wrist.

I'm a bit of a loose end today, chasing my tail and wondering what the hell to do with myself. As the day is almost over I can't see anything exciting happening so we'll strike it down to 'one of those days' I guess. Have you heard that song 'Mercy' by Duffy? Well thanks to last weekend's X Factor I have it stuck in my head. I've even downloaded it.

Gaaah make it stop!!

WANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND

It's the bank holiday weekend and as usual the rain has put in an appearance. Not that it matters to me safely tucked up in the comforts of my attic rooms, although "Beryl" seems a bit pissed off she's stuck indoors. When Lucy is grumpy I call her Beryl - Lucy doesn't look like a 'Lucy' when she's grumpy or just woken up, she's definitely a Beryl. Confused? Imagine how Lucy feels. I thought it was about time I gave my blog layout a bit of a tweek too. Hope you like it? (Well, to be honest it doesn't matter if you like it or not - it's done now.) I'll find a suitable photo at some point.

I found out the other day that my Mum and brother are going on holiday the day before my birthday. (nice of them.) I don't know how long for - I think it's just a weekend to test out the new caravan in Mablethorpe. It's not like I'll be alone on my birthday, I'll have friends there to celebrate with but I keep having doubts about what to actually do for my birthday weekend, one minute I'm all geared up for a party - the next the very thought of being around people makes me feel uneasy. It's been a long time since I interacted with anybody in person and putting it off seems to only be making it harder. It's weird at times because more often than not I don't feel very sociable, yet I spend 99% of my time talking to people on the phone or online so I can't really say I'm keeping to myself because I'm not. (Although my therapist won't agree - Cow!) I guess it's different online though because even if you're on a webcam (sometimes) or using a microphone there isn't that pressure of having the person sat infront of you face to face - You can turn the webcam off at any time and scratch your ass in peace. Having people around has never really been easy for me. I enjoy it, don't get me wrong but at times I feel very uncomfortable around friends or family, even the ones I've known for years and I can't seem to tolerate it for long periods of time without feeling the need to run off and scrub my face in bleach. I've a feeling that'll always be the case though, and no amount of therapy is ever going to change that so I live with it and deal with it accordingly.

Part of me still wants to hide away. I'm still hurting alot over recent events and being around people only brings about the need to smile and act happy - but I don't feel happy. I feel lost and am still grieving. Someone asked me how I was the other day via txt message, so I explained I was fine but didn't want to meet up with them like they'd asked coz I felt a bit down and their reply was "Still?" as if I should be over it all by now, as if it meant nothing in the first place. Is there a time limit on how long it should take you to get over losing someone you were close to? I felt worse then, like I was taking forever to move on and their reaction made me think I might have been taking longer than the average person to move on. I'm not ready to move on just yet. It'll happen in time hopefully. Some people want you to open up and be honest with them but when you start to with anything heavy they just shut down and want you to go away. Some people really only want to know how you are when they KNOW you're 100% fine and the answer will mean they won't have to 'deal with anything' right now and can move on to tell you about their problems. I know alot of people that are all 'me, me, me' but that's fine, I can walk away at any time if I want to just like they can. But don't ask me how I am if you don't want to know the answer. If you want the bog standard response of "I'm fine." I can do that too and we can all live happily ever after.

ACCEPT THE THINGS YOU CANNOT CHANGE, BITCH!

You know when you're having a wank and you're happily chugging along left to the devices of your own imagination when suddenly a familar face pops into your mind, someone you've had sex with before back in the day but you REALLY REALLY don't want to see again, not because he's now married with kids but coz he has the smallest dick in the history of 'smallest dicks' and you think to yourself NOOOO STOP! but yet you don't let go, you carry on at at uncomfortable yet steady pace and before you know it orgasmic delight and the lasting image you finished on is Steve Hastings? No? Just me then. The worst thing was I wasn't even dreaming - this actually happened. I'm currently soaking in bleach and awaiting a 12 week course of intense therapy to start. There's hope for me yet.



I Spent most of yesterday on the phone. Strange really, people I'd not spoken to for months all calling on the same day. I must have subconciously sent out a signal implying I was in dire need of a gossip. None of them managed to entice me out of my brick walled cocoon though, but we had alot to catch up on I guess. It helped pass the time thats for sure because before I knew it the day was over and I finally got some much needed sleep. I feel quite refreshed this morning - something I've not felt for quite a while. Maybe things will settle down a bit now? I keep repeating that mantra to myself "Accept the things you cannot change, Bitch!" and after about a million times it probably is finally starting to settle into my brain that it is what it is and I can't do fuck all about what comes my way except live through it. It's a horrible feeling knowing you can't put something right you've broken, but that's just it, you CAN'T put it right no matter how hard you try, so why bother? I don't mean why bother at all, coz clearly some things are worth fighting for, but when repeated attempts to make amends fall on deaf ears and you're hurting yourself over and over when the other person has moved on and just hates you more and more for not letting go. Nothing you do, no amount of promises or words can change the inevitable so just build a bridge and get over it, as painful as it may be to take those first few steps and MY GOD it still hurts like buggery but I'm on the bridge and it hasn't collapsed so YAY for me.

TIRED EYES [BURNING LIKE FIRE?]

It is impossible to sleep in this place. My bedroom window overlooks a street full of old people, well they do actually have homes they live in, they're not just lined up in the street or anything and most nights one of their alarms will go off, of course 90% of them can't hear the alarm if they've already taken their hearing aids out so its of little help. Lastnight one of the alarms was going off for about an hour from around 1am. I couldn't sleep at all once I'd been woken. No-one came to answer the call of this alarm, so I don't actually know what the point of having said alarm was, or why it was even going off, it just stopped at exactly 2.11am. SILENCE - Until the phone rang at 7.30am that is and the deep husky voice of a courrier bellowed down the phone that he'd been trying to deliver a parcel (the missing printer ink!) for the last couple of days but couldnt find my house. I asked if he was actually anywhere near my street, he said no, he was at home, so I gave him directions for the local area, not actually thinking that 'home' for him could have been Bristol, coz 3 hours later he still hasn't arrived, but coz I was expecting him I was forced out of bed at 7.30am. It feels like I've not slept properly in weeks - oh yeah, that's because I HAVEN'T!!! I'm in such a grumpy mood these days is 6 hours uninterrupted sleep toooo much to ask for?

OH NO, PEDRO!

Anyone who knows me knows I don't like change. I hate it when I have to see a new Doctor and once I get used to someone looking after my care the last thing I want to do is start all over again with someone new. The latest professional to run out on me is my dentist!! I got a letter saying due to circumstances beyond his control the planned appointment I had with him had to be cancelled and would I phone the surgery to make a new one. I did that only to be told that Pedro Estevez has left. NOOOOOOO!!! I've only just got used to him proding about at my teefs WHY did he have to leave?!? Or maybe it was because of me he left? Maybe the thought of having to look down at me open mouthed one more time was enough to make him run for the hills? DAMN! BUGGER! and BLAST!



My new appointment is with someone I can't even remember the name of. All I remember is it's a man with an unpronouncable name and it's on 8th September.

REVOLVING DOORS

This week has been a little difficult at times but with it has come some surprises. It's always weird when people remove themselves from your life, for whatever reason, it leaves you feeling a great sense of loss. I'm still grieving the loss of someone special in my life and although the grieving process is a private affair it does spill over into everyday life so it's been hard to keep it hidden at times I suppose. As time goes on I'm accepting things more and more though and whilst I hate it when people speak bad of the person in question, in a way I suppose it's helping because it points out to me that there are always negative qualities to a person as well as positive, when you care about someone so much you don't see the negative side of anything.

What's just as confusing as losing someone is when people who fucked off years ago show up again. Someone I haven't heard from in quite a few years messaged me on Myspace recently. It kinda messes with my mind at times when people do this because I get too attatched to people in my life and when they leave, it hurts but you kinda get used to them not being around. When they show up again unannounced it brings back a flashflood of memories - some good, some bad. I guess if anything it'll be a distraction from losing my friendship with Joe. Not quite sure what to make of the reappearance just yet though, whilst it'll be a good distraction I have to bare in mind that there was a reason we lost contact before surely? Time will tell I guess.

Sometimes I wish friendships weren't so complicated. I know I complicate things more than most, but sometimes... Meh!

OLD HABITS DIE HARD

I seem to have slipped back into my old anti-social ways of late. I've built brick walls around me and I'm happily sitting inside them eating crisps, but sooner or later the crisps will run out and I'll be forced back into the real world, where hopefully there will at least be some vodka waiting.

Anywhoo... When I do come out it'll be September and I have a birthday looming. People have asked what my plans are and normally there would be a party on the horizon but I'm really not sure what to do this year. I'm still mourning the loss of a really good friend and celebrating seems wrong somehow. Although some might say that's just what I need to get over this - I'm unsure of what to do. Part of me thinks "PARRRRTY!!!" but the bank balance is saying "Microwaved meal for one and a recycled party hat from last year." I just don't know where to go from here. I feel shit and being around people when I'm feeling low is the last thing I want but as it was pointed out to me yesterday by dearest JAM, those are the warning signs that have triggered events in the past that have only ended in tears. My tears.

I know what I need to do and hopefully I'll eventually convince myself to do it and get back out there.

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

So a few of you have asked what happened to the recent blog I posted. I guess it's still showing up on the main feed but the actual blog itself has been removed. I was stupid to post it really, I was upset and letting off steam is one thing, but lowering myself even lower than I had wasn't going to achieve anything in the long run was it? Nothing has changed but I thought the best thing to do was to delete it. I don't normally delete posts and I apologise to those people who had taken the time to write lengthy comments on that particular blog, oddly enough it was my most-commented blog ever but it still had to go. I know how frustrating it can be when someone deletes your comments, it wasn't done out of malice or to edit what people said or anything, I just felt for my own sanity a post like that should be where it belongs - in the recycle bin.

LIFE'S A BEACH

I watched the film Beaches tonight. Such a lovely film, so moving - cried loads. It got me thinking about friendships really. I don't seem to be able to hold onto friendships for very long. I don't really know why? I could hazzard a guess but I guess I'll never know for sure why things don't work out for the best. Circumstances change, People move on I suppose. I am such a miserable bitch to be around sometimes, I know this without having to be told - although on occasion it still has come as a shock when some people have felt the need to say it. I don't have a childhood friend I've grown up with. I didn't keep in touch with any of my school friends, a few of them have found me on Facebook from time to time, we added each other, caught up on the last ten years or so and realised we still had nothing in common so went our seperate ways again. (Total waste of time.) The friends I've made in the past and got close to, in the end I've either pissed them off, slept with them, or moaned too much, eitherway the end result is the same - they've gone out of my life. Don't get me wrong though, I do have friends, some I hold really close, I have the two most bestest friends in the world and if it wasn't for their support I probably wouldn't be here now writing this shit, but I can't help thinking when that day will come when they'll go too. I'm not gonna have Bette Midler drop everything and come running to me when I'm dying. I'm gonna die alone and I'll only have myself to blame.



Life's a beach.

RED FOR DANGER

Curse my big fat sunburnt face. I've been out and about more than usual lately and obviously making the most of the hot weather sunning myself in the pool and today I am suffering for it. SUNBURN = BAD TIMES! I'm used to seeing a big fat red face in the mirror from time to time so I didn't think much of it until this morning when I woke up BEETROOT RED. Ouch but YAY for aftersun cream.

I spent the morning with my Mum. It's been ages since we've done stuff just the two of us and not had to fit it all in quick coz one or both of us had to rush off somewhere else. We went for a walk around Brocks Hill Park with the dog at the crack of 'Martin' - had a good gossip and catch up, did some shopping in Wigston on the way back and had lunch together at home. Perfect. We don't get many days like this - usually one or both of us is in a mood and the time we spend together isn't always that good, but today really was. I love my Mum.

I've been watching a new BBC3 comedy called 'Mongrels'. If you haven't seen it yet - you MUST watch it. It's a puppet show for adults and it's so funny. One of the puppets is voiced by Lucy Montgomery (the maid from Tittybangbang) who I simply ADORE on every level. I didn't know she'd voice the puppet until it spoke so it was a pleasant surprise. Episode Three was on last night and all three are currently available on BBC iPlayer if you're in the UK so do check them out.

WONDERFUL ELECTRIC

First of all, apologies for yesterday to anyone I spoke to - I was in a foul mood all day and it wasn't helped by some fucking NUTTER online constantly sending add requests. There's no point going on about it, coz I'm you all heard enough about it yesterday on Marvin's page, we'll just leave it at the "Sorry I'm a grumpy bastard" note and move on.



So the TV in the bedroom has finally gone tits up. *sobs* / *dries eyes* Thankfully though my Mum has stepped up to help, she's gonna buy me a new one as an early birthday present and we're picking it up tomorrow. GOOD TIMES! It's only 19inches - but that's more than enough for me to handle in the bedroom. I can't wait.

I never seem to have much luck with electrical stuff. My DVD player went tits up too recently and my DVD burner on the PC has had its day. Makes ya wonder what electrical item is gonna go wrong next? Thankfully my vibrator takes batteries.

PROUD PARENT MOMENT

I can't belieeeeve it's the first of July already. WHERE has this year gone? I know at times it's felt like every single minute of every single day has been one long drag but at the blink of an eye we're half way through 2010 already. *SQUEEP* Got some fun things planned for the coming months so hopefully the nice weather we've been having will be on my side. A couple of people have asked what my plans for my birthday are - not sure yet. I know I'm going to Skegness at some point in September with friends but ideally I'd like to organise a gathering for that weekend at mine also. Although as past parties have prooved, getting everyone together in the same place on the same night seems impossible. I guess nothing will top last year's birthday when I finally got to attend my first Tori Amos concert with Kate and Joe. We'll see. Maybe we'll skip the party this year and have one massive blow-out for Halloween? (My favourite time of year.)

Lucy is making full use of her cat bed now. (It's only taken her two months!) She never took to it at first and instead chose to sleep in the pet carrier she arrived in, which was fine but when you've spent £16.99 on a cat bed you kinda feel cheated. Anywhoo, the other day I'd hoovered so I moved it and put it on the desk. I left it there without thinking and later that night who should I find curled up in it but Little Miss Lucy herself. Proud parent moment - Horrah!



Better late than never, hey Lucy?

THERE'S NOBODY IN - PISS OFF!

Do you know what really pisses me off? Of course you do - I moan every day on Facebook and Twitter and that's more than likely where you've arrived here from. BUT what is rrrreally pissing me off at the moment is how people just come in and out of your life when they chuffing well feel like it - not bothering to check if it's ok to just waltz back into your world as if they'd never been away. If you've fucked off - then stay FUCKED OFF! It's sooo much simpler for all of us that way. It's never easy when someone you care about doesn't have time for you anymore or they're busy with other things, but these things do happen and sometimes they can't be helped but when you've had time to get used to someone not being around, the last thing you want is for them to come charging back into your life again, expecting to pick up where you left off, as if nothing had ever happened.

It gets on my tits how some people only want you when they're in the shit or having a miserable time. "Oh Dave's always there - I'll go back to him when there's nothing better to do. He won't mind." Well to be honest I do mind! If things are going okay for these annoying people, theyre back in a relationship or they're loved up on other friends then you don't see them for dust. A bit of consistancy here is all I'm asking. I understand people lead busy lives and its not always possible to keep in touch on a daily basis, but don't treat me like a fucking idiot and leave it for months and months until your relationship breaks down and you need some mug to sit and listen to you whine about it all night because I won't be here. I don't want fairweather friends - I want people around me who care enough not to treat me like a fucking idiot. Respect me and you'll get ten times as much respect back, seriously. I'm a loyal friend but I'm sick of being picked up only to then be dropped when something better comes along. You're right - I probably will just be sitting here when you need me, but next time the door will be well and truly bolted when you come calling in need of sympathy and support if we can't at least share a few fun times together inbetween the crap.

STILL WAITING

I spend most of my life waiting - Waiting for phonecalls, Waiting for replies, Waiting for whatever. I'm currently stuck at home waiting for a parcel and as if that wasn't bad enough I'm also waiting to let some guy into the garage for my brother. My brother called this morning and because he's working elsewhere the guy he works with will need access to the garage where the motorbikes are stored and I've been lumbered with the task of letting him in. He's not due until twelve so at least I know when he's coming. The parcel however is scheduled to arrive anytime between 8am and 6pm, so it's pretty much anybodies guess when that will turn up.



I'm in a grumpy mood. I'd like to blame the heat but I'm still feeling bitter from yesterday's little 'curiosity' slip up. Barely slept lastnight, although that possibly was because of the heat. 'He' has been on my mind ever since. If only there was a switch I cud use to turn all feelings off for a while? It'd be such a relief to feel nothing, I'd probably never turn it back on because emotions and feelings can smother you to within an inch of your life when you least expect it and I hate the fact I'm a slave to them. I guess I'm more emotional than the average person and little molehill's of problems do tend to turn into mountains for me pretty quickly because I'm useless at dealing with things. I'm sure i'd function much better in life without feelings. Everything has been going pretty well lately and because of one stupid wrong turn I've fucked things up again and feel right miserable. I've reached a crossroads but I'm not going to go down 'that' route again though - been there, done that, couldn't fit in the T.Shirt. It's been a year since my last depressive state and whilst the odd niggle, moan always escapes from me online, making me seem like a miserable bastard, I am actually alot happier than previously.

It's hard being alone sometimes, I'm not saying people in relationships always have it easy but at the end of the day if you're in a loving relationship you're not completely alone. There's always someone there to reassure you or comfort you. I haven't been in a relationship since 2007 and even then the last year of that relationship was pointless. No matter how alone I am, I never quite get used to it.

Also - whilst we're on the topic of waiting; JAM has cancelled today's appointment. If you read one of my earlier blogs you'll know that today was the day I was supposed to have an appointment to discuss meds. I got a txt from JAM this morning saying she couldn't make the appointment and she'd give me a call later. Again, waiting. I really don't know why I bother.

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT

Panic not - Lucy is alive. (I hope.) *checks* Yup - She is.

I know it's never a good idea to look at people's online profiles, pages of people you have/have had feelings for in the past, some things are better just left alone, even if you are "Just friends" now, sometimes seeing things can bring back jealous feelings or general feelings you don't really need or want. I was pretty bored tonight so I've been taking time to look at people's Facebook pages, some might call it 'stalking' but I'd call it 'showing an interest.' ha. I didn't move anything, I kept off the grass and tidied up when I'd finished so no harm done right? WRONG!!! I rrrrreally wish I'd watched a dvd or something instead coz I had a snoop on someones page (no point naming names.) someone I once had a really strong relationship with and still do care about very much. We shared alot together but things kinda drifted apart/moved on yadda yadda yadda.... anywaaaay.... we'd not spoken for a lifetime and I was reading a few things on his page and saw a photograph of his family. He's got two kids now and he's engaged. I knew he'd had kids but coz we weren't speaking the details were a bit hazey and I didn't really know anything about them, but there they were right infront of me, smiling and looking exactly like him. I'm Gutted. 100% totally winded by the thought of it and what could have been if he hadn't have fucked off. Stupid, I know. I don't think about him very often, but when I do I have this strong feeling about him. There's only really three people in my life I have truly been 100% madly in love with and he was the first.

WHHHYYYYY did I look at his bastard profile?!?!

CONFUSED.COM

I thought I'd write another blog/rant. I have news for those who just love to listen to me moan about my life - Nothing exciting though, quite annoying actually. Doctor Powar has upped my meds. This is cause for concern in a way, because usually they only up my medication when I've been down or suicidal, which is understandable, but I had a really good weekend last weekend and went to this appointment with quite a spring in my step. I just can't win with that place. If everythings ok they seem to look for things to make something not ok. Funnily enough I bumped into my old therapist on my way out of the building and I had a long chat/moan with her in the carpark about this. She totally agreed with me and suggested complaining. I've done alot of stuff recently, stuff I wouldnt normally do and if I could do it without the aid of this medication increase then surely the option would be to reduce it not just throw an extra 150mg of pregabalin into the mix? I'm already keeping my local chemist in business singlehanded so WHY give me more? It upset me alittle so I phoned JAM and she seemed quite surprised too, for once we were in agreement about how shit the administration in that place can be. I've been given an extra appointment on Monday to go in and discuss my concerns, so I guess I'll know more then. I just don't get it. WHY give someone more medication when everything is going ok? I know I'm not the happiest person in the world, but things have really changed since last year. This month last year I was in hospital having my stomach pumped after an attempted suicide, I'd self-harmed loads, totally ruined my life and didn't care about anything or anyone. Totally understandable that a Doctor would up medication then, as they did, gave me extra appointments, more meds etc. but its just pissed me off that they've done this when there is no cause for concern. Its like they want me to fail. Maybe I'm being paranoid who knows?

Ive been on my own this week - Its been fabulous. Ive done what I want when I want and as loud as I want. Its been really good not having people around telling me what to do. I'm really missing Joe, got used to him being around alot before he went away and whilst I'm really really happy he's having a cool time, the fact we've not really spoken much has left a gap in my social life. I've seen quite alot of my friends recently so I shouldn't complain really, I do miss our chats though. I wish more people lived closer, alot of the friends I've met online I have to arrange overnight stays when I see them because it's too far to travel there and back in a day. I love having long weekends with them but it'd be nice to have more people closeby to pop round for a quick spur-of-the-moment coffee or something ya know? Even my fuck buddies seem to be moving further afield. I haven't had a decent shag in weeks. (No offence S****. HAHAHA)

BALLS!

I left my cheesy balls in Tesco. (No, that's not a euphemism.) I did a big shop today, hoarding supplies for the weekend and it would appear that some of the nibbles I bought didn't make it through the checkout. BUGGER! I must have left them at the end of the conveyor belt. I checked the receipt and neither the cheesy balls or cheese & chive discs were on it. Maybe this is Gods way of telling me to cut out the maize snacks and go for something more healthy? Panic not weekend guests - I shall replenish supplies tomorrow. No party is complete without cheesy balls.

When I got home I found 4 missed calls on my phone. (Yes, I know mobile phones were invented so you can actually take them out of the house and use them but it would appear my brain always forgets to actually pick mine up.) They were all from a witheld number, which normally would mean they were from JAM. She's the only person whoever rings me from a witheld number, so out of politeness and a semi-panic as to what she might want I called her. The receptionist who answered said JAM wasn't there (Surprise - NOT!) and wasn't due back until Thursday. (This is quite odd coz she only works Monday to Wednesday at the Cedars. So i'm sure this 'Thursday' will become a 'Monday' at some point. I don't know why they just don't write AWOL on her board and have done with it. No-one seemed to know anything about her wanting to contact me though, so I'm assuming it can't have been that important. My guess is she was calling to cancel the next appointment, if indeed it was actually her? Who knows.

What a blinding blog of interest this turned out to be - I'm sure you'll agree.

HAIR TODAY - GONE TOMORROW

Got a haircut today - Which in theory would have been fine had I not dyed my hair yesterday and still had half of it all over my face. For some stupid reason I didn't notice this until AFTER the hair cut. Once Paul had shaved my head it was glaringly obvious that I now had black ears and had dyed half my face the day before. I couldn't get home quick enough. I felt like such a twat.

I've been in a miserable mood the past few days. Can't explain it really - have no idea why but I'm loosing my temper easily, deleting anyone online that fucks me off and generally feeling like I want to punch everyone. (Panic not people due to visit me this week - I've never punched anyone in my life.) I'm hoping it'll pass, bad moods usually do.

My blogs also seem to have lost their way a bit of late, reading back over the last few there doesn't appear to be a clear sense of direction. Not that there are any set rules for writing blogs I guess, but usually I have a point I want to make. Maybe the point of today's blog is just highlighting the fact I have crap hair? Hopefully the arrival of my 'mouse ears' will detract from the crappy hair. I can't wait to try them on - mouse ears seem to be all the rage at the moment, dahling.

CH-CH-CH-CH CHARMIN

To say "I'm a little pissed off" is like saying Marvin is "A little bit camp".

ME: I need a few things from Tesco. I don't suppose there's any chance of a lift?

MUM: Not today. I'll only spend if I go in a supermarket. What do you need? Can't you make do with what you've got?

ME: Nevermind


About 15 MINUTES Later...


MUM: I'm going to Asda with Kev if Sylvia comes over tell her I've popped out and I'll nip over when I'm back.

ME: *stunned silence* WHAT? I thought you didn't want to go shopping today?

MUM: Oh, you wanted a lift didn't you. Shall I bring you anything?

ME: Nevermind

*door slam*

LITTLE HIGHS

Still feeling kinda Meh! But the meds problem is now sorted. Horrah.

It's been a sizzlin day in Wigston today. Summer is back and hopefully it'll stay. I did actually venture out for a bit earlier but then took the chance to have a good clearout of crap I don't need when I got back. I seem to do this alot, it helps. You may have also noticed I kept some crap I didn't need but couldn't bring myself to get rid of, but that's not always a bad thing.

The kids have been here all day screaming the place down with their presence, so good to see them but it's really peaceful now they've gone. Maybe Lucy will come out of hiding? She took one look at them when they arrived this morning and bolted for the perimeter wall, I'm sure she'll be back for feeding time.

AT THE CEDARS CENTRE NO-ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM

I keep trying to blog but it's so much harder than before. There are things I want to write about but soon as I've got a paragraph down I find myself editing it as not to offend certain people, so then when all the juicy bits are taken out it just looks like a pointless mass of words not worth bothering with, so I don't. I don't know what's wrong with me lately, I used to just say what I thought without fear of consequences but now I feel this big weight on my shoulder whispering "Are you SURE you want to post that?" in my ear because it has, in the past, only served to cause me problems instead of being a theraputic release.

One thing I can quite happily moan about though are my Doctors, and with good reason. Due to Doctor Powar's incapability to sign his own name on my prescription I've been without medication since Friday. I've tried chasing this up daily but the Bank Holiday threw everything into chaos and I'm being passed back and forth between Doctors Powars and Drucquer neither of which are taking responsibility and both of their receptionists are seemingly claiming to have heard "nothing about it". So what do I do? Just sit here waiting until one of them remembers that for the past ten years or so I have actually been taking medication on a daily basis and actually takes it upon themselves to give me some? SO FRUSTRATING!

Tried calling JAM but she's never around. I've left message after message and all I get is either "She's not here at the moment" or "She's due back any minute - I'll get het to give you a call." I've called four times today alone and each time she's "Due back any minute". She's been back apparantely inbetween my calls but popped out again, which is worse coz that means she's got my messages and just ignored them. It's been five days without medication now, and as I'm not swinging from the rafters it's making me wonder if I really needed their damn pills in the first place. This dilema hasn't been resolved and I'm still waiting for someone, ANYONE to call me back and tell me when I can collect some tablets. Doctor Drucquer can't give me medication until Doctor Powar has approved it, because in the past I have been a suicide risk where medication has been concerned, so I totally understand that, but if Doctor Powar is too lazy to sign a prescription he's hardly gonna go to the trouble and write a letter of confirmation and fax it through to Doctor Drucquer is he?



Anyone who has read 'Let Them Eat Pills' wondering if the place is REALLY that bad - trust me, it isn't... IT'S WORSE!!

TESTING THE WATER

I haven't blogged for a long time - I guess I kinda lost my way for a while. When I originally set up this blogspace I wanted to write something everyday but that just didn't happen. I got lazy but I think it's about time I dipped my toe into the blogpool once more, so maybe you'll see more of me?



Life doesn't seem to be going anywhere at the moment, it's just stopped, a stagnant pond without so much as even a ripple. I'm feeling a bit stuck. I guess it's good on one hand that I'm not moving, being stuck at least means I'm not plummiting south like I have been known to do in the past but it does get frustrating knowing I'm not going anywhere, not that I have anywhere I want to go as such. Health issues have probably kept me more isolated than normal, but I've been out and about as much as I can. You'd be surprised at some of the things I've been up to latey, but we won't even go there.

Since I last blogged (Back in March - I really should keep this updated more.) I've been writing alittle, something I've always enjoyed but more often than not struggled with. I used to think the written word was one of my strong points, but upon reflection whilst the words may be in the right order in my head, and I know what I want to say, they're scattered on the page in an unshuffled mannor and more often than not riddled with spelling errors. You've possibly already found some in this blog entry - who knows? I think reading my recent work back has just highlighted for me how much of a useless writer I am. Don't get me wrong, I do feel some sense of achievement with my latest work, I'm proud of it. I'll be even more proud of it when Kate has finished editing it for me and banished all those little errors to the recycle bin. More of that in time, I'm sure. I'm just not very organised and lacking in structure when it comes to setting goals for myself.

I've also adopted Lucy, a cat from the RSPCA. I wont rattle on about how adorable she is, because anyone who knows me will have already heard me gushing about how much I adore her and will have had endless photos, videos and feline tales thrust upon them for the past six weeks. Yeah, that's how long she's been here - Where has the time gone? Lucy has been a breath of fresh air for me. She's given me the company I so much needed on those long lonely days and there really isn't a day that goes by where she doesn't make me smile, even the day she dropped a live mouse onto my desk and my screams could be heard in China - we still laughed. (eventually.)

Anyway - I won't keep you, If anyone is still reading that is. Like I said, maybe you'll see more of me in blogland from now on.

SUGAR RUSH

My mother... Have you met my mother? I love her to bits but I am convinced she has lost her marbles. I have two examples today alone. First of all I phoned her this morning to see if she fancied a trip to Tesco. (I needed a lift - she has a car. Simple, or so I thought.) She answered the phone and I propsed my plan, but then she replies with "Who is it?" WHAT?!? What d'ya mean who is it?!?! I think my Mum is terrified of her mobile phone, on the rare occasion she actually takes it out with her she will very seldom answer it, I guess I should have been grateful she answered it at all. The phone got the blame for why she didn't know who it was. *rolls eyes*

We (eventually) made it to Tesco and stocked up on crap we didn't need. A joyous shopping trip all round. I bought enough cinnamon swirls to keep an army happy, the shocking thing is I've eaten them all. FAT BITCH!

As if the sugar rush from earlier wasn't enough, I crossed paths with my Mum again this evening when she rang my doorbell and greeted me with those dreaded words "I've baked a cake." I should have hit the deck there and then and curled up in the foetal position, rocking violently until she eventually gave up waiting for a response and left me alone, but no, I found myself saying the words "Oh lovely" even if I didn't mean them. I say 'cake' but what it was called and what I was actually presented with are two very different things. Some might say cake and mean it but when my mum says cake it could be ANYTHING covered in sugar. When all said and done it was a jar of lemon curd tipped out onto a housebrick. One bite was enough for me. I don't know who will be unfortunate to be offered the next piece but if it is you, and it very well could be... my only advice is RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOUR PORKY LEGS CAN CARRY YOU AND DON'T STOP UNTIL YOU HIT MEXICO!!!



Don't say I didn't warn you.

HERE I AM

Thought I'd show my face in blogland, guess it's been a while.



Dylan is going through a smacking phase. There I was innocently curled up on the sofa reading Attitude Magazine yesterday when he marched in, all smiles. I thought he was coming to me for a hug but no, *smack* right on the face. Little git! He gave me a good wallop last time he was here too, thinks it's hilarious. I've been told to repremand him tho, coz it's naughty and he does pack a mean punch for a one year old. I didn't, I just laughed. Am I a bad Uncle? The kids are spending more time here, which is nice. There was a dry spell of visits over Thomas-Gate but all seems to be restored now, they're here more than ever.

Woke up this morning feeling really refreshed and ready for the day, then I crawled to the computer and haven't moved since. I think I need to limit my time online, coz I really do spend all day here sometimes. I think earlier nights would be a start? The only reason I turned the computer off before 3am lastnight was because I was soooo pissed off with the amount of crap showing up on it. Guess a de-clutter of some of the freaks wouldn't go a miss either. There are some people on my friends list at the moment that I don't even know. WHY are they there? They never speak to me. Guess I need to get to know them or get rid.

This week is looking pretty blank, event-wise. I need to speak to Wendy about meeting up, I felt really bad cancelling on her last week but sometimes these things just happen. I reckon a good spring clean before visitors start arriving at the end of March wouldn't go a miss either, I've let the place go a bit just lately. The only person who visits me these days is a pot smoking, alcoholic who even I didn't feel the need to bother hoovering and dusting for but when Martin arrives I'd better put out doileys and at least plug in a glade airfreshener. *giggles* Looking forward to a weekend of booze, nibbles and watching those chankles wobble on the dancefloor.

*note to self: clear space to dance.

SAINT DAVID? ERM, OK.

So it's March already? Wow, how time flies. I for one am really glad to see the back of February, it was a truly miserable month for me and I'm looking forward to meeting up with a few people and making up for it in March. Bring on the good times.

I also think I've been spending way too much time online lately. Between Facebook and Twitter it's a wonder I have a life outside the internet at all. I found this 12-step program online, which I am hoping if I stick to, will help.

Facebook: A 12-STEP PROGRAM



1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before Facebook.

2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3. I will get dressed before noon.

4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of Facebook.

5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Facebook-deprived.

6. I will call someone on the phone whom I cannot contact via Facebook.

7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on Facebook.

9. I will not be tempted during TV advert breaks to check for notifications.

10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my chequebook because I was too busy on Facebook.

12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and Facebook will always be there tomorrow!



Yeah, right. *rushes back to the comfort of Facebook to see if anyone has poked me*

♥ Happy Saint David's Day Everyone ♥

ANGELA OF DEATH

I could have died of shame today! (ok, that's probably a bit dramatic.) But I ALMOST DID DIE OF SHAME!!! I ventured out into Wigston for a mooch around the shops and I found myself in Wilkinsons. As anyone who knows me will know I always get spots (my love of chocolate knows no bounds.) so there I was in Wilkinsons choosing some stuff to hopefully help the problem that is my FACE! I bought facial scrub, facial wash, spot consealer and on the way to the till I remembered I needed some glue. (pritt stick.) As the delightful old bag at the till was serving me, slower than any of the other checkout assistants, I might add, she blipped my purchases one by one, seemingly examining everyone as she did and yells out for the rest of the queue forming to hear... "Oh my daughter uses this one, it's very good." Yeah, thanks for attracting even more attention to me Angela, (according to her sparkly name badge, that was her name.) Carry on. Of course then she thought all her christmases had come at once when the last thing she blipped was in fact the pritt stick. "Are things THAT bad?" she said holding the pritt stick up in my face. before cackling like a witch. Talk about over familiarity!!!! Just because you feel the need to tell me your life story doesn't give you the right to enquire about mine. I didn't know where to look. I smiled and probably turned sixteen different shades of red before stuffing my purchases in my bag and running for the hills. If ever there was a good reason for shopping online Angela would be it.



I hate being outside sometimes. (Most of the time.) I hate it when strangers talk to me when I need to get from A to B. Its not that I'm anti-social or rude, it's just I panic alot when I'm out and about, it takes me all my time to focus on what I'm doing and where I need to be going. If people stop to talk to me it brings on this overwhelming sense of panic I feel the need to run away. I have therapy sessions which sometimes cover this kind of stuff, whilst I know what I should do in situations like this, it never quite prepares me for when it actually happens. I feel like such a tit.

YOU HAVE MAIL

As the postman crept silently to the front door, being careful not to make so much as a sound, he carefully slipped the 'we tried to delivery a parcel whilst you were out' note through the letterbox, cautiously manouvering it so its rattle wouldnt alert even the dog, then he crept back up the drive as silently as he came. WHAT A COMPLETE AND UTTER FUCKING BASTARD!! Now thanks to him I had a parcel waiting for me at the local sorting office. I'm not enteriely convinced he even had my parcel in his possession because it's raining and miserable outside so he clearly didn't want the hassle of ringing the doorbell and waiting whilst I signed for it. I've been in all morning so there's no way he tried to deliever anything. Oh the power they hold. Damn them all.

Turns out the package was a box of A4 envelopes. Thats right... envelopes. Hardly worth getting out bed for really, nevermind travelling all the way to the sorting office on foot in the rain!

HAPPINESS / HA! PENIS!

It's been a long time coming but things are finally fabulous again. (ok, maybe I'm speaking too soon - but things are pretty damn good right now.) For the first time in a very long time I feel happy. If I were to get hit by a bus tomorrow I'd have done everything I needed to, said everything that needed saying and would skip off to that 24 hour Tesco in the sky with a smile on my face. Maybe Rodrigo would even come to my funeral now that we're best friends on Twitter n all. HAHAHAHAHAHA no... STOP IT!

Lastnight I spoke to Kev Cheung on the phone properly for the very first time. It REALLY made me happy. It meant so much that he'd taken the time to call me all the way from Singapore, even though it took us ages to figure out the correct dialing code then he'd called the wrong number and spoken to a random woman, he eventually got through and we had a good old giggling session. Thanks again Kev. You're so sweet and it really did make my night. I still can't figure out whether Samuel Simone is a squirrel or a chipmunk though. haha. (He could possibly be a Beaver? lol) Let's go with squirrel!!

This morning I got a card in the post from Danny. It made me smile, because even though he said he'd posted it, I wasn't expecting the adorable little heart stickers he'd stuck inside. (Even that little bastard Marvin got in on the action. haha.)



[Excuse my crappy camera - this is the best I could do.]

From there I ventured into Wigston and I've been out and about since the crack of 'Martin'. You have no idea how good it feels to be me right now. I am seriously on cloud nine. Issue 28 of T. Pig Magazine is on its way to those expecting it and it comes with 'a fabulous free gift'. (or as my Mum said "so that's it?" lol CHEEK!) Those who don't know what it is yet, hopefully you'll be more impressed than my Mother was and you'll think it's as fabulous as Marvin does.

Right, I'm gonna dash coz I'm heading back on board the 'coach trip' I can't even remember where we're heading next. We've just left Seville I think? I have the memory of an elephant. I'd be lost without Brendan. "Right guys... Keep up!" haha.

WEEKENDERS

I think I blogged too soon yesterday coz it turned out to be an amazing and utterly fabulous day in the end. Since the miserable morning passed, the afternoon was met with friendly faces and fabulous friends. I also got a reply from the gawgeously fabulous Rodrigo Lopes. (ok so it wasn't an essay of a response but don't spoil my moment!! I adore him.) haha. If you're reading this Rodrigo, I'm not a stalker - honest. Please don't delete me. HAHAHAHAHAHA no serious HAHAHAHAHAHA! The evening was rounded off with EastEnders. Yes it is kinda sad that my Friday night revolved around a soap opera but hell, it took my mind of my troubles for a good hour or so. 'Stacey Slater - Ice Skater' was revealed as the 'killer' in the 'Who killed Archie Mitchell?' saga. My money would have been on Jack Branning, so it was a nice *gasp* of a moment when the reveal eventually came. (ok I'm boring even myself now, so I'll shut up about soaps.)

I slept really well lastnight. I haven't had such a good nights sleep in ages. I guess I've had alot of my mind of late, so knowing the appointments were over and I had nothing planned for the weekend the best option to do was to catch up on some much needed sleep, so that's what I did. I was however rudely woken up this morning by Sylvia coz she rang the wrong doorbell. Dont you just HATE annoying neighbours?!?! (even more so when they show themselves before the crack of 'martin'.) "oh, sorry did I get you up David?" err "no, I just thought I'd leap out of bed and stand at the door in my boxers for the fun of it you crazy old bitch!" Thankfully they were my fabulously new bulge-hugging boxers. My crotch has never looked so fabulous. As I was up and refreshed from enough sleep I thought I'd mooch around Wigston. I hate shopping on a Saturday, it's annoyingly busy and the world and his wife seemed to be in Sainsbury's, where I'd popped in for some 'essentials'. (coffee, doughnuts, and GT magazine. lol) I am now back home in the comfort of my attic sipping coffee and wolfing down chocolate hobnobs. Bliss.



Hope you're all having a fabulous weekend?

SOMETIMES I THINK - SOMETIMES I DON'T

I know my blogs have been a bit depressing of late. I don't mean them to be, but I guess it's hard to write about the fun stuff when the bad stuff is floating on the surface. It's probably the best time to write actually when you're feeling low because the emotion is more raw and honest. Speaking of which, I know I've said things on here recently that have offended some people and I've had to go back and edit my blogs for a couple of them now to keep the peace. Sometimes I just don't think, I wade in and throw things on the table that really should have just ended up in the recycle bin. Like I said to you at the time though, I wouldn't worry too much about what is written here, very few people actually take the time to read these blogs anyway and I'm sure most people tune out soon as they realise which direction the subject matter is heading in.



We haven't had anymore snow but it's soooo cold. I don't feel like going outside today, so I won't. I'm currently hugging the radiator as I type. I'm not looking forward to the weekend, it just feels like a 'waiting game' for Monday right now. The next three days are gonna drag, I know they are. I have Moonlight Sonata stuck in my head. I don't actually have a good quality mp3 of it so I've had to listen to it on youtube. (If anyone can help me out with that - feel free to send one.) I don't know why it's stuck in my head, I woke up this morning and there it was, waiting to be heard. Could have been worse I guess, it could have been something by 'Steps'.

It's not all doom and gloom, thankfully. I had the sweetest voice message ever today. Really gave me a boost and I've listened to it about a million times so far. haha. It's strange how just the simplest, sweetest of messages can bring a smile to such a miserable fucking face! So Thanks for that Kev. ♥

AND IT'S GOODBYE FROM HIM

Ive got a feeling it's gonna be a week for final goodbyes. It's a horrible feeling but sometimes it's unavoidable. I know I'm not the easiest friend to have, I bring alot of emotional baggage to the table but I've always tried to do right by people I care about. Maybe in some cases I've tried too hard, and that in itself has driven people away. I know I'm a very 'clingy' person at times, and that's not an attractive quality in anyone. I've made alot of mistakes which I'll always hold my hand up to but sometimes, no matter how much you try, you just can't go back and rectify things that are broken beyond repair.



A package from my ex-boyfriend was delivered this morning. I was reluctant to open it at first incase it was a bomb. ha. Turns out it was just some dvds I'd lent him. No note, no explanation, just the final "no need to contact me again" jesture. I guess it's for the best. We weren't doing ourselves any favours still being in contact, even though we split up ages ago, his new boyfriend had already found flirty messages between us on his phone and banned us from seeing each other, so there really was nowhere left for it to go. Everytime we met up we ended up in bed together and whilst that was fun at the time, it was clearly not helping. I was single, but he wasn't. It's very hard to be 'friends' with someone you were once in a relationship with because if there's any form of attraction still there, it's bound to be acted upon or longed for. By the time Glyn and I split up we didn't even love each other, so why we were still sleeping together was always questioned. What started out as a really strong bond has just ended up as a mutual hatred for each other, and that's such a shame.

I seem to be losing more people than I'm gaining just lately. It makes me question my assests as a friend. Just what do I bring to a friendship? If I'm doing more harm than good then maybe I'm better off not making new friends? If sooner or later I'm gonna drive them away with my stupid emotions then I should save us all time and effort right now and just disappear. I kinda need people around me though I reckon, however much I like being alone it is nice to know that there are some people out there who care and would drop everything to come and help if needed. It's an awful feeling to know that someone who once cared now wouldn't even piss on you if you were on fire. If I lose anymore friends I'll have no-one left. Scary thought.

DENTIST DAY

It's over, the dreaded visit to the dentist is done and dusted. I guess I should blog about it but I really don't have anything much to say right now. It's been a horendous day so far and it's not even lunchtime yet. I feel so shattered. The dentist appointment was (to put it bluntly) a fucking nightmare from start to finish. The dentist himself was really nice though, couldn't ask for a more friendly guy and he made me feel so comfortable, despite the fact everytime he tried to X-ray me I nearly threw up on him. He gave up after several attempts to X-ray me and I felt like such a tit. I kept explaining how nervous I was, and he could see I was shaking like an Ann Summers vibrator on full speed but I'm sure at the back of his mind he was thinking "TWAT!" He's given me some anti-biotics for the toothache and cleaned my teeth. As I'd not been to the dentist for like over 20 years my mouth seemed to be bleeding quite heavily when he'd done, but that was 'normal' so he assured me. (How can bleeding from the mouth be NORMAL!?!) My mouth feels weird. You'd think with the amount of cocks I've had in my mouth one stupid finger and a bit of plastic wouldn't have been ANY problem, but everytime he put the plastic pad thingy to take the x-ray into my mouth I gagged and I dunno who was more panicked, me or him?

I took Marv with me for moral support. Needless to say he was no help. Soon as we got there, he had a sudden panic and choose to stay in my bag for fear of what might end up in his mouth. On the way home we called into the chemist to collect the prescription and came home ready to cry. However, when I got to the front door there was a Valentine's package awaiting me from Diane. HORRAH!! Some fabulous magnets and a magnificent 'dick lollipop'. SEE I have no problem sucking on that!?! Stoooopid plastic X. Ray thingy.



Thanks so much for all the supportive emails/txt msgs/comments etc. I truly have the most amazing friends! ♥

THE TUESDAY BLUES

I had a random urge to buy Easter Eggs this morning. I'm not sure why because Easter isn't until April. I guess it was for something to do, so that's what I did. I went out into Wigston, found some fabulous Easter cards and bought enough chocolate eggs to keep Marvin happy for... well, about 5 seconds I guess. I'll be celebrating Easter early this year because I've got friends coming to stay in March, so it's not that far off I guess.

Still thinking about tomorrow. *nervous BOUNCE* Thanks so much for the supportive emails/txts you've all been sending. I know I make alot of jokes about it but I am genuinely shitting myself about tomorrow. I've been upsetting myself over it all weekend and by this time tomorrow the dentist appointment will actually be over. Tomorrow is the check-up so I'm hoping it won't be too much of a horrific time. I guess it depends on what needs doing though and when. I just want tomorrow over with really, I've waited long enough now.



It's weird because as most of you know I'm no longer in contact with Glyn (my ex) anymore, but for some reason I really wanted to talk to him about it. He knows my fears and I guess it would be comforting to hear from him. (I don't know why because he's a bit of a cunt when he wants to be really and probably wouldn't say the right thing, but at least it'd be something.) I sent him a txt msg anyway. I had to find his number from an old diary coz I'd deleted it just after Christmas. Not expecting a reply, and if he does it'll probably be 'FUCK OFF DAVE!' because his new boyfriend doesn't want us to speak to each other anymore. Would be a nice touch if he did reply though, it wouldn't KILL HIM to do something for me for a change.

I do have one AMAZING piece of news though. The fabulously cute Rodrigo Lopes ♥ (from Big Brother 10) is now following me on Twitter. I guess my 'stalking' paid off. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no ser... *gulps* SWIFTLY moving on....

I've also been watching old episodes of 'Coach Trip' online. I do love it when the arguments start. Nothing cheers me up more than watching other people have a good row. I'm wading through series one, which was originally shown back in 2004. Yikes - that seems aaaaages ago. I remember bits of them, but alot of it is like watching a new series because I'd forgotten alot of what happened. Series four started on TV yesterday so I'll be sitting down to watch episode two of that later. I know what you're all thinking... What a thoroughly exciting life I lead. I bet you can't wait for the next chapter can ya? *grin*

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS / TOBLERONE DELIGHTS

So it's finally gone, 400g of orgasmic bliss - eaten. It's ok to cry, I did as I scoffed the last triangle of Toblerone in the house. *adds another to shopping list* I have had an annoying BASTARD of a week. I think it's fair to say it's not been the best start to February. I feel like shit and looking in the mirror only seems to confirm my thoughts.



Assuming you're still with us, and haven't ran away screaming I'll continue.

I am still shitting myself over next week's forthcoming appointments. The first being a visit to the dentist. (quelle surprise really with the amount of Toblerone I've eaten recently.) I haven't been sleeping very well lately and have been neither use nor ornament to anyone because of it. The very thought of the dentist makes me feel sick. I've managed to escape check-ups and put up with the odd toothache since I was in high school, but as I'm now old and useless and toothache is becomming more frequent, my hand has been forced and I am being dragged to the dentist surgery on Wednesday morning at 9am. *SQUEEEEP* How am I going to cope? God help the poor dentist who turns up for work with me as his first patient thats for sure. I hope he'll have eaten a hearty breakfast coz he'll need all his strength to hold me down in that chair if I panic. I've done everything I can to keep myself from thinking about it, but no matter how many distractions I have it all comes flooding back the second I pause for thought. If I actually make it to the surgery on Wednesday no one will be more surprised than me.

In other news, I've just been chatting to Kev on MSN. So cool to finally hear his voice. I need to get a webcam and microphone set up on here again, coz I used to have so much fun in the days of Yahoo chat. Since my webcam broke and my microphone went tits up I've been dormant in the world of 'show and tell'. Not that I can't tell it all via Facebook and there isn't anyone left on my contacts list who hasn't actually seen all I have to offer anyway, but it'd still be nice. I'll look into that properly once the dreaded appointments are over. Some retail therapy will be a fabulous reward assuming I make it out alive. :p "Such fun!" as Miranda's mother would say. oh, and...

♥ HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE ♥

BETTER DAYS

I Woke up this morning feeling like crap. Didn't sleep very well and the appointments looming mid-week aren't helping because I can't seem to take my mind off them. The increase of medication I'm on seems to have kicked in, but it's not doing anything other than making me feel sleepy. I guess that's what anti-anxiety medication does, sedate you, but that's not the ideal solution for a long term problem. When the nightmare that is 'the dentist' is over with on Wednesday morning I'm seeing Rachel in the afternoon for what will hopefully be my final assessment, then I have a session with Joan to tie up the lose ends so hopefully after Wednesday I'll be less snappy with people. I think a decrease in meds would help too, but I'm no Doctor.

February has been a really bad month so far, so much crap piled into such a little space isn't good. Thankfully February is the shortest month and hopefully there will be happier times in March. (A month that kicks off with Saint David's Day on 1st can't be all that bad can it? lol) I've made plans to meet up with some people in March. Some new faces and the old trusted faithfuls so if I focuss more on that and less on the troubles then hopefully the days will go quicker. The sooner that happens the better really coz I'm going stir-crazy at the moment. Someone asked me lastnight on MSN "what would make things better? what would cheer Dave up again?" and whilst he was expecting me to say "to see you naked again on webcam" I didn't. There is something that will make me happy again, but it's just not gonna happen. He eventually logged off with the arse and I went to bed feeling even worse than I did before. *sigh*



(sorry if you're reading this, but I have been trying to tell you at every turn that I'm not interested. You just don't listen. There's a friendship here if you want it, but I really don't want to sleep with you.)

DEAD MAN'S CLOTHES

When the call comes the vultures begin,
He’s barely cold yet they let themselves in.
His possessions collected, some kept, some thrown.
It’s the quickest clear up I’ve ever known.
Dividing the wealth, disregarding will making,
Why wait for formality when it’s there for the taking?
If only they could see just what they were doing.
The man’s barely dead, yet his things are still moving.

But I see what’s happening if no-one else knows,
They’ll go back to their lives wearing dead man's clothes.

The funeral was small, a quiet affair.
None of the vultures could fly themselves there.
They’d got what wanted, the money, the jewels,
Shown their true colours, the selfish old fools.
His things were divided, house put up for sale.
Nothing else left, except a cheque in the mail.
No sign of the vultures now they’ve conned him and tricked him.
But they’ll all be back for their next dying victim.

LITTLE RED BOOK

Don't you just hate it when you take something to the till in a shop and they say "Anything else?" (well yes, there is actually. I haven't finished shopping yet I just thought I'd come and show off what I'd bought so far.) SOOOOOOOO ANNOYING!! Of course I don't want anything else or I would have asked for it / brought it to the till with me.

I went into the stationery shop on Bell Street today in search of a new notebook. I was pounced upon the second I opened the door. "Can I help?" (Yes, you can leave me alone for a start.) I explained what I was looking for, which they didn't have, but instead of accepting they didn't have what I wanted the annoying little man who served me proceeded to show me every notebook in the shop. NO! NO! NO! If I'm going to buy a ridiculously overpriced notebook I at least want the one I requested.

I trecked further into the depths of Wigston to Osbourne's Stationers (on a par expense wise but without the annoying little shop keeper.) again they had a vast amount of notebooks but not the one I had in mind, at least they allowed me to browse before pouncing on me. I eventually found a notebook that I wanted. (well, it was not the one I originally wanted to buy but it'll do.)



Does anyone remember 'the happy book'? well the book is basically an updated version of that. The intention of this book is to get everyone to write in it at some point. When I see you I'll have it with me. I don't care what you write, draw or stick in it... well, actually there are some limitations to what I'll allow you to stick in it, but hopefully no-one will feel the urge to do that. You can write as often as you like as long as it's filled up between us. It will be so cool to fill this book up throughout 2010 with random thoughts, messages, comments, etc. Just like its predecessor.

The following images were 'stolen' from the original happy book to give you an idea of what I'm rambling on about:







GOOD TIMES!

EDNA HAS LANDED

What a morning it has been. Bolts and bars a plenty. First of all I am officially accused of locking my Mum out of the garage (but like I said to her, if I wanted to annoy her I'd lock her out of the house altogether, not just the garage.) then the postman brings me the fabulous new Prisoner: Cell Block H DVD, consisting of all the unedited 'Edna Pearson' episodes.



Allow me to back track. There I am minding my own business when out of nowhere comes a shreeeeeeak from the Gods. "David! What have you done to my garage?!?" Surely she couldn't have finally found out I shagged Steve in there last Christmas? I know we lost the condom but jeez, bad timing or what? Turns out I hadn't done anything to her 'precious' garage and the handle had broke, leaving it not actually locked with a key but still unable to open. Why I got the blame for this I'll never know. We need a 'man who can', but as everyone knows I'm a 'man who can't, and if he could probably wouldn't want to'. Bad times.

I'm feeling particularly chipper this morning. I'm fed up of feeling miserable, so if I can turn the 'misery' off for a while and replace it with Prisoner dvds, then that's what I'm going to do. It's been a real boost hearing from Mike again, all I need now is to make things up with Joe, convince my crisis worker I don't need her anymore and not pass out during my dentist appointment on 17th then everything will be splendid again. (Yeah, I guess that is asking a bit too much isn't it?)

MISTAKES

I keep making them, lots of them, on a daily basis. Just when I think I'm alright and everything is peachy I'll fuck things up with epic proportion and all that remains is this sudden urge to wanna hide under the duvet and avoid people. [Well it's either that or rip a random stranger's face off and piss in their tea.] I guess there's nothing wrong with wanting space from people, but I think for me it's a negative thing because when I'm having space from people I'm just upset and useless. I don't do anything but wallow in my own juices and when I come around to the idea that I do want to be social again, nothing's changed, the problems are still there.

I was so depressed this morning. I barely slept lastnight, had probably an hour or two at most. I didn't want to get out of bed when I realised it was snowing. It took nearly an hour for me to even contemplate getting up. I'm so glad I did though because when I logged online I found a message from Mike. (yes, THAT Mike!) It'd be unfair on him to go into details but one thing was clear by his reply, I hadn't pissed him off as I originally thought. I guess I'm too quick to jump to assumptions. It's hard not to when in the split second you realise someone's gone from you life that they didn't have just cause to do so and you'd forced their hand. The fact he came back when he was ready has made me feel so much relief. I hope he keeps in touch, even if it's only via email.

I did a stupid STUPID thing today before I got out of bed though. I txtd Joe. Pointless really because it only annoys him and very seldom gets a reply. Why am I just so useless at accepting what everyone else accepted months ago? Why am I the only person who can't let go? Even he's let go to the point of basically throwing me away. I'm never gonna get the chance to see him again so why do I feel the need to ask? Coz I'm a fucking idiot that's why.



On a positive note I've agreed to meet a couple of people I met on the internet in March. I guess it was going to happen sooner or later so all being well there will be some fun times ahead to report back on. The year got off to a slow start but seems to be chugging along at a steady speed now. I'm very aware that my dentist appointment is looming and pretty soon I'll be flat on my back with my mouth open. (I'll leave you to figure out whether I'm talking about the dentist or my Internet meets with that last one.)

ONE DOVE. TO BRING ME SOME PEACE.

Why does it still hurt? I hate losing friends. (contrary to what you might believe from recent online events I don't enjoy arguing with people online and deleting people doesn't always come as easy as you'd think.) Some people come into your life and go and you don't even batter an eyelid, they make no difference to your life whatsoever but others come into your life, you bond with them and it really does rip you apart when they leave. I've been having a mid-life crisis since 2008 it seems so I really wouldn't blame any of you for wanting out of this space we share together.

I feel totally helpess against the situation with Joe. It's really hard to see someone who once said he cared about me want nothing more to do with me, for whatever reason the end result is the same. I'm never gonna see him again am I?

I fucked up so many times over this but I still don't want to admit defeat and accept our friendship is over. I've ruined things but it IS worth saving I know it is. Ironically now the feelings have gone it hurts even MORE than it ever did before because having a few stupid emotional feelings compared to never seeing one of my best friends ever again there's no comparison, THIS HURTS MORE.

For the record, If one more person says "It'll get easier over time." I will twat them one, because right now it's hurting very much, and it's been hurting ever since he left so I can't even imagine getting over it just yet. Realistically I know I will. No-one died, we're both still there, it's just such a shame we can't exist in the same friendship circle anymore.

I've been looking for distractions all weekend, however. I haven't found any. Sent a few messages to random people I don't know online, hoping to find some new conversations and get to know people. I'm arranging to meet people I do know in person too, so hopefully that'll be something to focus on and it'll just stop me thinking about what a fucking mess I've made of everything recently.