WANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND

It's the bank holiday weekend and as usual the rain has put in an appearance. Not that it matters to me safely tucked up in the comforts of my attic rooms, although "Beryl" seems a bit pissed off she's stuck indoors. When Lucy is grumpy I call her Beryl - Lucy doesn't look like a 'Lucy' when she's grumpy or just woken up, she's definitely a Beryl. Confused? Imagine how Lucy feels. I thought it was about time I gave my blog layout a bit of a tweek too. Hope you like it? (Well, to be honest it doesn't matter if you like it or not - it's done now.) I'll find a suitable photo at some point.

I found out the other day that my Mum and brother are going on holiday the day before my birthday. (nice of them.) I don't know how long for - I think it's just a weekend to test out the new caravan in Mablethorpe. It's not like I'll be alone on my birthday, I'll have friends there to celebrate with but I keep having doubts about what to actually do for my birthday weekend, one minute I'm all geared up for a party - the next the very thought of being around people makes me feel uneasy. It's been a long time since I interacted with anybody in person and putting it off seems to only be making it harder. It's weird at times because more often than not I don't feel very sociable, yet I spend 99% of my time talking to people on the phone or online so I can't really say I'm keeping to myself because I'm not. (Although my therapist won't agree - Cow!) I guess it's different online though because even if you're on a webcam (sometimes) or using a microphone there isn't that pressure of having the person sat infront of you face to face - You can turn the webcam off at any time and scratch your ass in peace. Having people around has never really been easy for me. I enjoy it, don't get me wrong but at times I feel very uncomfortable around friends or family, even the ones I've known for years and I can't seem to tolerate it for long periods of time without feeling the need to run off and scrub my face in bleach. I've a feeling that'll always be the case though, and no amount of therapy is ever going to change that so I live with it and deal with it accordingly.

Part of me still wants to hide away. I'm still hurting alot over recent events and being around people only brings about the need to smile and act happy - but I don't feel happy. I feel lost and am still grieving. Someone asked me how I was the other day via txt message, so I explained I was fine but didn't want to meet up with them like they'd asked coz I felt a bit down and their reply was "Still?" as if I should be over it all by now, as if it meant nothing in the first place. Is there a time limit on how long it should take you to get over losing someone you were close to? I felt worse then, like I was taking forever to move on and their reaction made me think I might have been taking longer than the average person to move on. I'm not ready to move on just yet. It'll happen in time hopefully. Some people want you to open up and be honest with them but when you start to with anything heavy they just shut down and want you to go away. Some people really only want to know how you are when they KNOW you're 100% fine and the answer will mean they won't have to 'deal with anything' right now and can move on to tell you about their problems. I know alot of people that are all 'me, me, me' but that's fine, I can walk away at any time if I want to just like they can. But don't ask me how I am if you don't want to know the answer. If you want the bog standard response of "I'm fine." I can do that too and we can all live happily ever after.