MISTAKES

I keep making them, lots of them, on a daily basis. Just when I think I'm alright and everything is peachy I'll fuck things up with epic proportion and all that remains is this sudden urge to wanna hide under the duvet and avoid people. [Well it's either that or rip a random stranger's face off and piss in their tea.] I guess there's nothing wrong with wanting space from people, but I think for me it's a negative thing because when I'm having space from people I'm just upset and useless. I don't do anything but wallow in my own juices and when I come around to the idea that I do want to be social again, nothing's changed, the problems are still there.

I was so depressed this morning. I barely slept lastnight, had probably an hour or two at most. I didn't want to get out of bed when I realised it was snowing. It took nearly an hour for me to even contemplate getting up. I'm so glad I did though because when I logged online I found a message from Mike. (yes, THAT Mike!) It'd be unfair on him to go into details but one thing was clear by his reply, I hadn't pissed him off as I originally thought. I guess I'm too quick to jump to assumptions. It's hard not to when in the split second you realise someone's gone from you life that they didn't have just cause to do so and you'd forced their hand. The fact he came back when he was ready has made me feel so much relief. I hope he keeps in touch, even if it's only via email.

I did a stupid STUPID thing today before I got out of bed though. I txtd Joe. Pointless really because it only annoys him and very seldom gets a reply. Why am I just so useless at accepting what everyone else accepted months ago? Why am I the only person who can't let go? Even he's let go to the point of basically throwing me away. I'm never gonna get the chance to see him again so why do I feel the need to ask? Coz I'm a fucking idiot that's why.



On a positive note I've agreed to meet a couple of people I met on the internet in March. I guess it was going to happen sooner or later so all being well there will be some fun times ahead to report back on. The year got off to a slow start but seems to be chugging along at a steady speed now. I'm very aware that my dentist appointment is looming and pretty soon I'll be flat on my back with my mouth open. (I'll leave you to figure out whether I'm talking about the dentist or my Internet meets with that last one.)