SOUP-ER MAN

Today I made soup. Damn good soup actually, Delia would be proud. Normally I'd open a can, splash its contents into a bowl and microwave it for 2minutes but homemade soup is sooo much nicer.



Quite happy today, strange really as yesterday was a pretty rough day. Maybe those bear-ears worked after all? I had a medical review this morning and passed with flying colours. Things are really making progress for me in that department. My Psychiatrist told me today that she was impressed with my progess and was happy to see me on a 'need to' basis rather than making me attend regular sessions. I'm am VERY happy with that, you have no idea how much that place can add to your troubles, so to be spending less time there already makes me feel better. I still have to attend my fortnightly sessions with JAM (the next one is on Monday) but it meant so much to me to be free of the extra sessions. The reduction in medication was a definite step in the right direction too. Today I feel invincible. I don't get to say that very often.

Right now I'm gonna eat my freshly made soup and enjoy the rest of my weekend homo-alone. Behold its potatoey, leaky, peppery goodness...



*slrrrrp*

WITH EVERY HIGH COMES A LOW

I feel like a bit of a failure today. I get like this sometimes and I don't really know why. Obviously I have regrets, who doesn't? But from the regrets comes the feeling of failure. I can't seem to shut my mind off from the Joe situation, however much I try and it doesn't take much to leave me feeling deflated and alone. I miss him so much it still hurts after five months that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I know you probably think that's a stupid thing for anyone to say, that it hurts after all this time, but it does. I'm still struggling to find a purpose in life, and whilst the decorating has been a good distraction, even that has had its moments where I've wanted to scream. After this weekend I think I need to really sort myself out and DO something about my life. Make a list of goals and work towards achieving them, even if it means sacrifices. There's really no point me moaning about things in this blog if I do nothing to actually help change them. Joe always said I'd never change, I'm still the same selfish person he met in 2006, nomatter how many chances I had. Hopefully I can prove him wrong. It's just a shame he won't be around to see it.



You have no idea how tempted I am to break this seal right now. HAHA!

THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SNOW BUSINESS

Heavy snowfall during the night. The place is covered in white. This morning Lucy insisted on going out in it so we were up at 7am and straight out into the snow. I filmed her and Bradley in it. [The video has been posted to my Vimeo page, if you're interested, but you've no doubt already seen it plastered all over Facebook.]

There's something about the sight of snow that makes me feel like a kid again, the urge to grab a handful of it, form a snowball and throw it never really leaves you. I don't think either Lucy or Bradley would have apreciated a snowball in the chops though, so I resisted. I did get some really cute footage of them in the snow though and I'm very proud of the video I made. The first one of 2012.

THE DECORATING DIARIES: Part Five

House smells of gloss paint. Had forgotten how much gloss paint stinks actually. Revolting. But as you can see, everything is starting to take shape now in the livingroom.



Someone online kind of upset me today, not intentionally, but he asked me how Joe was doing. He didn't know we weren't friends anymore, so it got us talking about the past. I didn't really need it to be honest, whilst it was nice to catch up it didn't feel good to be going over old ground, especially where Joe was concerned because all it achieved was to remind me of how much he hates me, and that hurts. It still hurts, even after all this time that he won't talk to me anymore. No-one seems to have a good word to say about Joe. I don't know if that's supposed to be of some comfort to me, but it isn't, because he was a GREAT guy but it's a chapter in my life I need to close the door on and keep it locked for good. As much as I don't want to. If he were to call or txt me right now I'd answer and do anything I could to rebuild our friendship, but I know it'll never happen and wanting it serves no purpose. I've hopefully learnt from my errors and won't make the same mistakes again with other friends. Once you have sex with one of your friends it's never the same, however much you want it to be.

THE DECORATING DIARIES: Part Four

Got my paint today. Really pleased with the price. It had 20% discount on all paint + the 10% discount I got using Mum's 'Over 60's' B&Q Discount Card. The colour is fantastic compared to its predecessor. I've already done the first coat. Leaving it to dry now and tomorrow I will finish it off.







Have painted the walls/ceiling Natural Hessian and the skirting boards will be Cookie Dough. Not sure about the doors yet, whether to paint them the same colour as the skirting boards/door frames or paint them Natural Hessian gloss, and leave the door frames picked out as a darker colour. We'll see. I still haven't bought the doors for the wardrobes yet. Hopefully will get them on Sunday, as that means a trip into town. Am a bit achey from painting. Had a nice shower afterwards and I feel like I could sleep for a week.

THE DECORATING DIARIES: Part Three

The livingroom is looking much better. Three-Fingered George has finished the plastering and now begins the long wait for it to dry out. It would have dried so much easier in the Summer but hopefully an extra couple of days will be all it takes.





I've been looking at colours to paint the walls online. I want a nice light colour and I've narrowed it down to either Natural Hessian or Just Walnut. Both very cool colours, not sure what colour the skirting boards will be? Either just a wooden beech stain or magnolia I reckon, but as the walls are quite close to being magnolia maybe I should go darker? A chestnut colour. I can't do anything until Wednesday anyway as that's 10% discount day at B&Q and I plan to make full use of that. It'll be a long weekend I imagine. I can't do anything else with the room now but wait for the plaster to dry.

THE DECORATING DIARIES: Part Two

Three-Fingered George started plastering today, Exciting times.



JAM cancelled therapy again. Alittle disappointed at yet another session being cancelled but I've come to expect it. She's going to phone me to arrange another appointment next week. I have alot going on here though at the moment so I'm sure one skipped session won't kill me. Already I can feel change, even if it is surrounded by the stench of wet plaster.

THE DECORATING DIARIES: Part One

Three-Fingered George will be here tomorrow. The room is ready for him to work his magic. I can't imagine what it'll look like when it's done. It's been a dark dreary colour for so long, it'll be nice to get a bit of light into the place. A nice light space with happy thoughts.



The bedroom feels a bit crammed in at the moment. It's basically floor to ceiling with livingroom. Not a good look, but at least no-one will be coming over for a while. I miss Joe. There's no getting around the fact that him not wanting to be friends anymore has left a big gaping hole in my social life. We spent alot of time together and I should never have let it come to this. It's my fault he hates me. He hasn't replied to any of my messages since before Christmas. He never acknowledged the birthday present I sent him and for all I know he could have just thrown it away. I half expected him to return it, and was quite surprised when he didn't. I took it as a good sign that he'd kept it and so hoped he'd get in touch, at least just to say thanks for remembering his birthday, but no, nothing. The more I contact him the less likely he is to respond, but I wanted to acknowledge his birthday. He remembered mine, even though he chose the day of my Birthday to tell me he didn't want to come round anymore, he still brought gifts. Anyway... that's old news. We're moving on, remember?

I'm excited about tomorrow.

BORDOM STRIKES

I get bored very easily. It doesn't take much and today is definitely one of those days where bordom has me by the bollocks. A day of over eating and excessive masturbation will no doubt see me through. I need some excitement though. How can I go on like this, day after day, doing the same thing... I get up, go online and the computer stays on for the duration until it's turned off at bedtime. Inbetween I eat, drink, watch TV, chat to people... I have no purpose in life at the moment. Not that I really had one before, but I guess it's highlighted more in times when I feel down.

George has quoted to re-plaster the livingroom. £700 for one room! Grrr. So expensive, but it'll be worth it in the end. A total change, just like I wanted. With the walls smoothed over and new skirting boards and door frames fitted, it will be a complete blank canvas to choose whichever colour I like. I'm thinking a light colour, cream, close to white, but not quite, something to totally brighten up these dark and dreary walls. The wallpaper will need to come off first. I've made a start, but I'm so lazy. Thankfully I had a little help today...



The kitchen cupboards need to be dismantled so they can be moved/rebuilt later. I have no idea how I'm going to rebuild them though, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I'm pretty useless at DIY, always have been.

CRAPPY NEW YEAR?

Found out today that my cousin Maria has had a baby and that my Aunt Jean has died. All we need now if for someone to set fire to the pub and it'll be like an episode of EastEnders.

I've slipped up in the 'daily blogging' plan. I spend so much time moaning on Facebook the odds are anyone who comes here will have already seen my latest news on there anyway, but I do want to try and keep this blog up too. I keep promising I will, but it's hard really. Hard to write about how I'm feeling and what's going on because just lately none of it has been GOOD news. Things are improving though. I think if anything, recent events have taught me that I can do things on my own and I shouldn't really rely on friends for support because it does tend to push them away. Don't get me wrong, I do have friends and they do support me, but since Joe left, I've been reluctant to rely on anyone really, because losing someone, whoever they are, is just so hard to deal with.

I don't deal with things very well, as anyone who knows me will testify to I'm sure. 2012 has got off to a strange start so far, but it will get better. I am changing alot of things about my life right now so it'll be quite interesting to see which direction things take. I plan to totally renovate my home, a whole new start in a whole new room, but that will take time and money. I have alot of time but very little money right now so once I've sorted out a loan, I will be able to get stuck into changing the place completely and brightening things up a bit. It'll be a good distraction I hope.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! :) x

BOY, YOUR BOOTS CAN LEAVE A MESS

A few of you have asked me if I'm looking forward to the Tori Amos concert on November 2nd in a couple of weeks and yeah I am... Looking forward to the bootleg, but I've changed my mind about actually attending the Royal Albert Hall concert. I have mixed feelings about this and I know I'll regret not going at some point, but for now I do think it's for the best. Tori hasn't played 'Hey Jupiter' on the NOH Tour yet but you just KNOW that Biatch is saving it for the Royal Albert Hall when I should have been there. If she plays Hey Jupiter (my all time favourite song) it will be a further kick in the teeth for sure.

When I went to see her in 2009 with Kate and Joe I was PRAYING she'd play Jupiter (just for me.) and it would have seriously made my LIFE complete had she tinkled the ivories with that tune that night, but she didn't. It wasn't missed though, she played a really cool setlist on the night and I recall bawling my eyes out during 'Winter'. So weird to actually be in the same room as Tori alongside two of my best friends when I never EVER thought I would be able to go to one of her concerts. I still think even now that going to that concert at the Hammersmith Apollo was the best day of my entire life and I'll never forget a second of it.

You probably think I'm stupid for not going this time when I'd already bought a ticket and there's nothing to physically stop me getting on a train and going to London but I just feel it's too much since my friendship with Joe ended and we should have been going to London together. It makes sense to just leave it altogether rather than sit next to an empty seat that he would have been in and have that override the actual joy of being at the concert, and I'm 100% sure it would have, regardless of how much of a good time I was having or whoever went in his place. (He isn't going either so I guess we both miss out.)



So yeah, for the first time in my life I'm really hoping that Tori DOESN'T play Hey Jupiter on November 2nd. I hope it'll be a fantastic concert for those who are going though and I hope Tori plays ALL the songs you're hoping for. (Please DON'T play 'Cooling' either Tori, I'm sure Kate won't be happy if you do. haha)

NEGLECTED SPACE

This is the song that reminded me I had a blog yesterday. My very own 'Neglected Space' which I hadn't updated in a while.



Hopefully now I've redesigned the layout the space won't be neglected again. I've kinda missed blogging, but I'm also very aware that I have the attention span of a two year old at the moment so I won't make any promises to blog daily or stick around for the duration, but I'm here for now.

What d'ya think of the new layout?

LAWN TO BE WILD

The garden finally is finished. Horrah!

From THIS:



To THIS:



It only took 8 fucking months. *grin*

BARE WITH...

I have alot on my mind right now so I'm seeking as many distractions as possible. All that has really involved so far this weekend is good coffee, an obscene amount of chocolate and a damn good book. But it's a welcome distraction, just the same.('Becoming Nancy' by Terry Ronald incase you were wondering. Excellent read.)

It's sooo hard to stop yourself from dwelling on stuff you shouldn't be dwelling on at times, and moving on with things is much easier said than done. I'm sure some of you can relate to that, no matter how many distractions you have. Some people can but I just can't seem to program my brain to focus on other things or block out all the negative stuff when something is on my mind and once you've let one little negative fucker in, he holds the door open for all his little fucking negative friends and before you know it it's like a riot in the corridors of Cell Block H and you're surrounded by faded-denim and bad acting... well, not quite, but you get my drift.

I know I'm a miserable fucking cunt at the best of times, but bare with me during the crap times and things will get better, I promise. I've been a bit off with some of you lately, and it's nothing personal, honest. I just don't handle life very well at times and it spills over into my friendships when clearly It shouldn't.

CARPE DIEM

Ever since I watched 'Christopher and His Kind' on BBC2 recently I've had the words 'Carpe Diem' stuck in my head. Had to Google it at first just to remind myself what it actually meant. I sort of knew, but wasn't sure. Seize The Day. Enjoy the moment. I really need this on a post-it note stuck on my mirror to remind me that life is for living. If an opportunity to 'live' comes my way I should take it, cherish it and above all enjoy it.

THERE'S NO LAUGHTER IN THE GARDEN

I've been in therapy for 11 years. Sometimes it helps - Sometimes it doesn't. Today it isn't.

I've never really thought much of myself as a person. I know I'm not particularly attractive. I'm not the slimmest of people you'll ever meet. I have no career or am anything anyone would aspire to be but I've always tried to do my best by people, treat people the way I'd want someone to treat me as a friend and give them 100% loyalty whilst being as honest as I could be, in return. To me that always seemed enough and I guess for some it is, as I have some of the most amazing friends anyone could ever hope for. Some not so great, but that's all part of the 'selection box' that is friendship, not everyone has to be the same and you can connect with people on so many different levels of closeness. I must be doing something right to have such close friends in my life, surely.

But why can't I like myself? All the therapy, friends and self-help books all clearly state that if you can't like yourself then how can you expect anyone else to? But It's hard. I blame myself for a lot of my past, even though, clearly when problems started I was too young to even know it was wrong or know how to stop it, I just went along with it because that's all I knew. It didn't feel anything out of the norm. By the time I realised I needed help I was too scared to ask anyone and in turn started punishing myself and suffering in silence when life wasn't 'fun' anymore, when it really started to hurt. When I don't face up to things I can get by. I know things are there that need dealing with, in the corner of the room and I can just sort of see them from the corner of my eye but if I don't acknowledge them, if I look the other way then maybe, just maybe I can have a good day and get through it without the constant need to punish myself.

Sometimes I don't want to be here. I often fantasise how much easier it would be for people, how happier they'd be had no-one ever known me or had the burden that is Dave Starmer forced upon their shoulders. If I'd never tried to kill myself or been forced to have therapy then I wouldn't have to face my past, I could have carried on and left it behind untouched. I tolerated things for a very long time until I actually had the guts to attempt to take my own life originally. That's where it all started to go wrong, when people saw I wasn't coping and wasn't this 'bubbly happy-chappy' anymore. I felt vulnerable and exposed though, now people could see I wasn’t coping and it was dangerous because they’d want to know why. It's looking back and going through it all again that constantly brings me down, that's what I'm doing in therapy (when the session isn't cancelled, that is.) It seems positive in theory to address the past but once you’ve started you can’t stop, it’s out of your hands and that's fine whilst you're in the comfort of the therapy room but when the session ends and you're coming home to an empty house, where is the support then? You can't put that kind of burden onto friendships, even the strongest of friendships would suffer under such a weight, as has been proven in the past. Everything I've touched in the past I've tainted. Friendships, Relationships... All soured by past/constant unwanted emotions and my need to feel something, to feel like I was worth something. To feel wanted. For someone I care about to care about me just as much and not want to leave when the going gets tough or the 'smiles' fade, because they do fade eventually.

I don't feel any of that. I can't feel anything positive at times. I'm just here, screaming to feel something I can hold onto that’ll get me through the day, that’ll make me want to get out of bed of a morning. On occasion I've hurt myself just to feel something. Anything to distract me from this horrible fucked-up existence I'm being kept in against my will. If there was a pain-free way to do it, to end things by just switching a switch after saying ‘Goodbye’ then I would do it. If that day ever happens you can hate me for it all you like but I'll be free and I won’t care.

MIRROR / MAGNIFYING GLASS

According to Susan Jeffers you must "Pick up the Mirror instead of the Magnifying Glass."

The magnifying glass represents our symbolically pointing a finger and blaming someone for our unhappiness. When we blame someone we, by definition, add to the negativity that lies within the relationship with this person. We also feel helpless when we think our happiness depends on someone else, we give away all our power. So not only does our relationship with a particular person suffer, we personally suffer as well.

The mirror is our antidote to blame. It represents our looking inward and taking responsibility not only for our actions, but also for our reactions to what we are doing – or not doing – to make ourselves unhappy. Ultimately, it is by looking into the mirror that we are able to pick up our power and discover what we personally need to do in order to change what isn’t working. The mirror is our key to controlling our own happiness.

*picks up mirror and smashes it over said persons head*

I don’t know about you, but I feel better already.

THE NOT-SO BUSY BEE

Busy week ahead. Dentist Monday. Lunch with the girls on Tuesday. Vajazzle on Wednesday... huh? WAIT! This isn't my diary. *throws it down* Oh... Looks like my week isn't as eventful as I thought. *stares at empty pages*

Actually I do have a few things planned this week, none of which could be classed as the social event of the year. I've got therapy tomorrow. (Assuming Marmalade doesn't cancel.) Have to make a decision about going back onto the medication or not. Ideally not, but sometimes it's just too hard to face stuff without that little shuv into the outside world. I was doing really well, but sometimes I wonder whether it's worth all the misery when I could just take the edge off things and deal with the world through prozac-coloured glasses. Life is shit. Prozac sprays that little gentle wiff of Febreze over the smell. Oh and I'm going to Makro on Wednesday.

I MUST NOT BUY SWEETS.

I MUST NOT BUY SWEETS.

I MUST NOT BUY SWEETS.

I MUST NOT BUY SWEETS.

I MIGHT BUY SWEETS.

I MIGHT BUY SWEETS.

I MIGHT BUY SWEETS.

AHH FUCK IT...

WE ALL KNOW I'LL BUY SWEETS.

SOMETHING BORROWED

Michael shared this piece of writing with me the other day and I wanted to share it with you. I felt it was quite a powerful piece, something I'm sure some of us could relate to. I don't know who originally wrote it and I'm not sure if he does either, but here it is:

"I’m a liar because I won't tell you everything. I’m stupid because sometimes i'm wrong. I’m ugly because my face isn’t perfect. I’m a pushover because I like making people happy. I’m a loser because I’m not friends with your group. I’m fake because I’m too nice. I’m weird because I’m not like you. I’m fat because I eat when I’m hungry. I’m clingy because I don’t like to be alone. I’m insecure because I care about what people think of me. I’m no fun because I'm not always hyper. Don’t try to tell me who I am because i already know."

Pretty powerful stuff.

HAPPY DAZE

I feel broken inside. My outer skin containing thousands of broken pieces, damaged goods, forever on the shelf because nobody wants a broken body. I'd do anything to be held right now, to have someone hold me in their arms and make me feel safe like 'he' used to. A hug so tight all I could feel was his support, safe from the outside world, knowing I meant something to someone. No-one has held me like that since he did. Might as well be a lifetime ago as the memory of it is forever fading. I remember his warmth and his concern and him holding me so tightly I thought he'd never let go. He really meant it, it felt like he really wanted to protect me. I'd never felt so loved as I did that night, even though it was our last.