SOUP-ER MAN

Today I made soup. Damn good soup actually, Delia would be proud. Normally I'd open a can, splash its contents into a bowl and microwave it for 2minutes but homemade soup is sooo much nicer.



Quite happy today, strange really as yesterday was a pretty rough day. Maybe those bear-ears worked after all? I had a medical review this morning and passed with flying colours. Things are really making progress for me in that department. My Psychiatrist told me today that she was impressed with my progess and was happy to see me on a 'need to' basis rather than making me attend regular sessions. I'm am VERY happy with that, you have no idea how much that place can add to your troubles, so to be spending less time there already makes me feel better. I still have to attend my fortnightly sessions with JAM (the next one is on Monday) but it meant so much to me to be free of the extra sessions. The reduction in medication was a definite step in the right direction too. Today I feel invincible. I don't get to say that very often.

Right now I'm gonna eat my freshly made soup and enjoy the rest of my weekend homo-alone. Behold its potatoey, leaky, peppery goodness...



*slrrrrp*

WITH EVERY HIGH COMES A LOW

I feel like a bit of a failure today. I get like this sometimes and I don't really know why. Obviously I have regrets, who doesn't? But from the regrets comes the feeling of failure. I can't seem to shut my mind off from the Joe situation, however much I try and it doesn't take much to leave me feeling deflated and alone. I miss him so much it still hurts after five months that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I know you probably think that's a stupid thing for anyone to say, that it hurts after all this time, but it does. I'm still struggling to find a purpose in life, and whilst the decorating has been a good distraction, even that has had its moments where I've wanted to scream. After this weekend I think I need to really sort myself out and DO something about my life. Make a list of goals and work towards achieving them, even if it means sacrifices. There's really no point me moaning about things in this blog if I do nothing to actually help change them. Joe always said I'd never change, I'm still the same selfish person he met in 2006, nomatter how many chances I had. Hopefully I can prove him wrong. It's just a shame he won't be around to see it.



You have no idea how tempted I am to break this seal right now. HAHA!

THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SNOW BUSINESS

Heavy snowfall during the night. The place is covered in white. This morning Lucy insisted on going out in it so we were up at 7am and straight out into the snow. I filmed her and Bradley in it. [The video has been posted to my Vimeo page, if you're interested, but you've no doubt already seen it plastered all over Facebook.]

There's something about the sight of snow that makes me feel like a kid again, the urge to grab a handful of it, form a snowball and throw it never really leaves you. I don't think either Lucy or Bradley would have apreciated a snowball in the chops though, so I resisted. I did get some really cute footage of them in the snow though and I'm very proud of the video I made. The first one of 2012.

THE DECORATING DIARIES: Part Five

House smells of gloss paint. Had forgotten how much gloss paint stinks actually. Revolting. But as you can see, everything is starting to take shape now in the livingroom.



Someone online kind of upset me today, not intentionally, but he asked me how Joe was doing. He didn't know we weren't friends anymore, so it got us talking about the past. I didn't really need it to be honest, whilst it was nice to catch up it didn't feel good to be going over old ground, especially where Joe was concerned because all it achieved was to remind me of how much he hates me, and that hurts. It still hurts, even after all this time that he won't talk to me anymore. No-one seems to have a good word to say about Joe. I don't know if that's supposed to be of some comfort to me, but it isn't, because he was a GREAT guy but it's a chapter in my life I need to close the door on and keep it locked for good. As much as I don't want to. If he were to call or txt me right now I'd answer and do anything I could to rebuild our friendship, but I know it'll never happen and wanting it serves no purpose. I've hopefully learnt from my errors and won't make the same mistakes again with other friends. Once you have sex with one of your friends it's never the same, however much you want it to be.

THE DECORATING DIARIES: Part Four

Got my paint today. Really pleased with the price. It had 20% discount on all paint + the 10% discount I got using Mum's 'Over 60's' B&Q Discount Card. The colour is fantastic compared to its predecessor. I've already done the first coat. Leaving it to dry now and tomorrow I will finish it off.







Have painted the walls/ceiling Natural Hessian and the skirting boards will be Cookie Dough. Not sure about the doors yet, whether to paint them the same colour as the skirting boards/door frames or paint them Natural Hessian gloss, and leave the door frames picked out as a darker colour. We'll see. I still haven't bought the doors for the wardrobes yet. Hopefully will get them on Sunday, as that means a trip into town. Am a bit achey from painting. Had a nice shower afterwards and I feel like I could sleep for a week.

THE DECORATING DIARIES: Part Three

The livingroom is looking much better. Three-Fingered George has finished the plastering and now begins the long wait for it to dry out. It would have dried so much easier in the Summer but hopefully an extra couple of days will be all it takes.





I've been looking at colours to paint the walls online. I want a nice light colour and I've narrowed it down to either Natural Hessian or Just Walnut. Both very cool colours, not sure what colour the skirting boards will be? Either just a wooden beech stain or magnolia I reckon, but as the walls are quite close to being magnolia maybe I should go darker? A chestnut colour. I can't do anything until Wednesday anyway as that's 10% discount day at B&Q and I plan to make full use of that. It'll be a long weekend I imagine. I can't do anything else with the room now but wait for the plaster to dry.

THE DECORATING DIARIES: Part Two

Three-Fingered George started plastering today, Exciting times.



JAM cancelled therapy again. Alittle disappointed at yet another session being cancelled but I've come to expect it. She's going to phone me to arrange another appointment next week. I have alot going on here though at the moment so I'm sure one skipped session won't kill me. Already I can feel change, even if it is surrounded by the stench of wet plaster.

THE DECORATING DIARIES: Part One

Three-Fingered George will be here tomorrow. The room is ready for him to work his magic. I can't imagine what it'll look like when it's done. It's been a dark dreary colour for so long, it'll be nice to get a bit of light into the place. A nice light space with happy thoughts.



The bedroom feels a bit crammed in at the moment. It's basically floor to ceiling with livingroom. Not a good look, but at least no-one will be coming over for a while. I miss Joe. There's no getting around the fact that him not wanting to be friends anymore has left a big gaping hole in my social life. We spent alot of time together and I should never have let it come to this. It's my fault he hates me. He hasn't replied to any of my messages since before Christmas. He never acknowledged the birthday present I sent him and for all I know he could have just thrown it away. I half expected him to return it, and was quite surprised when he didn't. I took it as a good sign that he'd kept it and so hoped he'd get in touch, at least just to say thanks for remembering his birthday, but no, nothing. The more I contact him the less likely he is to respond, but I wanted to acknowledge his birthday. He remembered mine, even though he chose the day of my Birthday to tell me he didn't want to come round anymore, he still brought gifts. Anyway... that's old news. We're moving on, remember?

I'm excited about tomorrow.

BORDOM STRIKES

I get bored very easily. It doesn't take much and today is definitely one of those days where bordom has me by the bollocks. A day of over eating and excessive masturbation will no doubt see me through. I need some excitement though. How can I go on like this, day after day, doing the same thing... I get up, go online and the computer stays on for the duration until it's turned off at bedtime. Inbetween I eat, drink, watch TV, chat to people... I have no purpose in life at the moment. Not that I really had one before, but I guess it's highlighted more in times when I feel down.

George has quoted to re-plaster the livingroom. £700 for one room! Grrr. So expensive, but it'll be worth it in the end. A total change, just like I wanted. With the walls smoothed over and new skirting boards and door frames fitted, it will be a complete blank canvas to choose whichever colour I like. I'm thinking a light colour, cream, close to white, but not quite, something to totally brighten up these dark and dreary walls. The wallpaper will need to come off first. I've made a start, but I'm so lazy. Thankfully I had a little help today...



The kitchen cupboards need to be dismantled so they can be moved/rebuilt later. I have no idea how I'm going to rebuild them though, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I'm pretty useless at DIY, always have been.

CRAPPY NEW YEAR?

Found out today that my cousin Maria has had a baby and that my Aunt Jean has died. All we need now if for someone to set fire to the pub and it'll be like an episode of EastEnders.

I've slipped up in the 'daily blogging' plan. I spend so much time moaning on Facebook the odds are anyone who comes here will have already seen my latest news on there anyway, but I do want to try and keep this blog up too. I keep promising I will, but it's hard really. Hard to write about how I'm feeling and what's going on because just lately none of it has been GOOD news. Things are improving though. I think if anything, recent events have taught me that I can do things on my own and I shouldn't really rely on friends for support because it does tend to push them away. Don't get me wrong, I do have friends and they do support me, but since Joe left, I've been reluctant to rely on anyone really, because losing someone, whoever they are, is just so hard to deal with.

I don't deal with things very well, as anyone who knows me will testify to I'm sure. 2012 has got off to a strange start so far, but it will get better. I am changing alot of things about my life right now so it'll be quite interesting to see which direction things take. I plan to totally renovate my home, a whole new start in a whole new room, but that will take time and money. I have alot of time but very little money right now so once I've sorted out a loan, I will be able to get stuck into changing the place completely and brightening things up a bit. It'll be a good distraction I hope.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! :) x