WELCOME...

I've been trying to kick-start this blog for a while now. Last year when I set it up I said I'd start on January 1st, yet nothing came. Three days later, still nothing, not for the want of trying but if I don't start it now I never will. I wanted somewhere to vent/moan/rant/whatever, that wasn't being thrust in peoples faces on Myspace or Facebook at every turn. That's not to say I won't link to here from those places from time to time but In theory I can keep those places for laughs or general status 'bitching' as I often do. You can come here to read my rants, or not, it's totally up to you. You don't even have to acknowledge you've been here but I'd like to think as I'm writing them someone will eventually be reading. Writing blogs is very therapeutic in itself, even if you don't actually hit 'send' or 'publish' sometimes just throwing words down onto the screen is enough. we'll see.

I have so much to say at times, but can never find the right words to form the sentences. It comes out as insane ramblings or 'needy' desperation and that's not fair because sometimes what I have to say is important, to me anyway. I guess those who know me well, will know I'm not the most 'together' person they've ever met, at times I am an emotional wreck and I give up on life so easily. Sometimes it's easier just to give in, "I can't do it so I won't." or "Help me and I'll try." I've been guilty of this so many times and all it's done is drive people away. Good people, people I care so much about.

I feel quite in control at the moment. (surprise!) I know it would be so easy to let go, so simple to just 'give up' again and roll over to die. Once upon a time I would have done just that and shut the world out, but now I feel I owe it to myself and the very few people around me who actually do care to hang on in there, to keep holding on, because however hard things get or however alone I feel (and I do feel SO ALONE at times, even with so many friends around me sometimes there's just no-one to connect to, no-one to make that mutual acknowledgement that life can be shit at times and know that someone else out there feels exactly the same as I do.) something will come along to change that eventually.

I made such a mess of 2009 on so many levels and already I can see myself taking steps in the wrong direction in 2010, but the difference now is I'm aware of my errors and I'm trying so hard to rein them in and backtrack when I need to before they do any lasting harm and I can avoid making a total mess of things. It's not easy when you lack confidence and find yourself surrounded by confident people. At times it hurts more than anyone will ever understand to know that you're the weaker member of the group. But I'm still here aren't I? Maybe there's hope after all.