CRACKS IN THE CANVAS.

I guess it was inevitable that following a few pretty good days that there would be a pretty awful one lurking around the corner. I'm used to that. I don't know why they have to happen or why they do?

When you'd have expected me to go to pieces, I didn't. I held it together and none of the recent events mattered. I'd got friends around me online, there was a real whirlwind of support from some of them and surprisingly nothing anyone said about certain family members no-longer with us had any effect at all. It may have been a case of 'one step back' but there have been several steps forward in the process and if anything I felt relieved not to have to pretend that things were fine and put up with people I didn't want to anymore. I could tell the truth and delete some of my contacts list with a clear conscience.

That was then.

I'm so full of emotion right now, I can feel it seeping from my pores and it scares me slightly. My body is alive with feelings as if they'd been held back for the past few days and now have decided to rush to my brain with avengence all at once. I feel vulnerable like this. I don't feel in control and am likely to say things/do things that leave me feeling even worse than before. So I hide away from 'real life'. Ignore the phone, curl up under the duvet and just wait. Sleeping sometimes helps, even those moments waking up from sleep can be comforting until you realise where you are and what you were hiding from becomes reality again, the reason you feel so shit all comes flooding back. So when I'm really low I keep myself medicated, probably taking alittle more than prescribed, but on the 'good' days I can balance that out by taking less, so by the end of the prescripted month I'm on course for the next batch without any raised eyebrows as to why my pills ran out a week early. Obviously this isn't ideal, but it's worked in the past and it'll work again.

I've let myself go a bit just lately. I'm not caring for myself as much as I should and If I'm honest have probably been a bit too hard on myself in recent weeks. Christmas was so hard this year. I didn't want to be apart of it and I didn't enjoy it. I can see the repercussions of this as I look into the mirror. I really should remove all the mirrors in my room, they are of no use to me when I'm feeling like this and bathing in blame. I know I can't help situations that are beyond my control and I'm aware other people often feel like this but just get on with it and ride the storm . I know what'd make it all better again, but it's beyond my reach. There are familar feelings that always come to the surface in times like this. It makes it so much harder to move on when they're right at the top, itching, scalding, reminding me they're there, waiting for me to act on them and make a complete and utter fool of myself.

So If I'm a bit quiet for the next few days or so, you'll know why. It's just one of those temporary glitches until the cogs have been oiled again. Everything will be fine, it's just a case of getting on with things and riding that storm that everyone else seems to do so well. I am SO GREATFUL to the people who've been there for me this past year online and off. When others buggered off there were only TWO people that held onto me in person and I will never forget that for as long as I live. I know it's not all been plain sailing and I did things to rock the boat and lost their trust at times for various reasons in the past but I am SO GLAD to be able to call these people friends. Kate & Joe - I LOVE YOU MORE THAN TOBLERONE and I'll do everything I can to make sure I never lose either of you again. I know we don't get to see each other all that often but the times we do really make up for the times we don't and we're gonna make some fabulous memories throughout 2010, I know we are.

Bare with me on the down days and I'll make up for everything on the good. Promise.