Next week needs to be about letting go and moving forward. No more living in the past. I've excelled myself with stupidity recently, even by my own standards. I can't let go of certain things and it's hurting so much. It's felt like this for months inside but some days are easier to hide it than others. Every day should be getting better not worse. I have this overwhelming feeling of... emotion? I guess you'd call it emotion, hmm yeah without being too specific and it's eating away at me from the inside, there will soon be nothing left. Then what? What happens when there's nothing left to destroy?
I'm running out of places to mark myself that I can easily cover up. In the past I've dug nails into my skin, used scissors, a knife, even a compass. Once there was nothing else to hand so I picked up a comb and snapped it, I used the sharpest point and forced it into the crease between my legs, slicing it about until my palm had filled with blood, just to make the feelings go away so I'd feel nothing. It hurt like hell but in a way It was comforting. A fitting punishment for someone so worthless. I've come so close to hurting myself this weekend, but that's the past and I'm letting go, right?
I don't know why I hate myself so much at times, really I don't coz I'm not a bad person. (Although it depends who you ask, I guess.) Somedays I can live with myself knowing I'm doing my best by myself and others, yet on other days I feel like a worthless being, not fit to breathe the same air as you, selfishly ruining peoples lives with his own tainted mess. I really should be telling this to a therapist. If only I had one.
I don't know what to say, Dave. I think you are a brilliant, talented person and like many creative people you have "demons". I can't even pretend to understand what you feel as I have never felt that way. Is there anyone you can call when the urge to hurt yourself arises? I wish I wasn't an ocean away. I don't know what I could do but I would try to help you. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteBabe, you're so not worthless, you bring a smile to my face everyday! In my eyes you are talented, creative, funny and you have a brilliant imagination. I know you'll continue to entertain me for years to come and I do wish I had the magic cure to make everything okay but I unfortunately I don't but do hang in there because one day things will become clear. One thing I've learned in life is to let go because it does help once you can do that. Live for the future and don't dwell in the past - it will always hold you back xxx
ReplyDeleteBeing on Facebook talking to you all does more than you'll ever know. Sometimes it's a great distraction. (Atlhough sometimes it's also the cause of grief. lol)
ReplyDeleteI do have people I can call when it gets really bad though. Hopefully I wouldn't have to say why I was calling, and they'd just be free for a chat. That usually helps.
I'm going to pass on some of what helps me through hard times. I've been through shit and I'd say I've suffered and still do suffer a lot.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first met my boyfriend he said to me once when I was feeling sorry for myself "That's the way it is, deal with it" and when I'm going through the tough shit I always remember that and it somehow gives me the strength to push myself towards getting on with things and moving forward although it might take me a bit of time. The other thing is diet, it's proven that when your on a downer you crave shit, processed food but if you can hold back and eat food as it's meant to be eaten (like an Orange from the tree rather than orange juice) it does help. I crave chocolate, burgers, chips, coffee but just a little willpower avoiding that crap does make a difference even though green beans and carrots are the last thing you feel like eating! I do kind of understand you from my own set of problems, you've just got to grab the tiny bit of inner strength that's there somewhere inside you.
Anyways I'll stop preaching now...Good luck sweet cheeks!
Thats really good advice actually: "That's the way it is, deal with it"
ReplyDeleteI shall write that on a post-it note and stick it to my mirror!! Coz there's nothing I can do to change things, the only thing I can do really is DEAL with them. *HUGZ*
*Deals you the ace of hearts* xxx
ReplyDeleteI don't know how JAM has the nerve to call herself a therapist...really, I don't! I know your problems aren't of her making but she is paid to help you and she is doing nothing of the sort. I know she's not a miracle maker, can't wave a wand, but is she qualified at all?!?! I'm sure she is, but you have to wonder sometimes. She's not at work half the time!
ReplyDeleteOn the old photo note, I so need to get a scanner! Seeing your old pics has made me want to dig out mine *even though they are actually in Hertfordshire, aside from the handful you have seen in that album* I've not seen my old kiddy pics in so long - or even my old not-so-kiddy pics, from late teens etc! I'm sure they'll make me cringe when I do see them though!
If you can get any for 30th bring them and we scan away to our hearts content. I'd bring my scanner to you but it's bulky not a flatbed one like the old one. I've had such a blast going through the old albums. I know Kay has some more from when we first met, I need to go through what she has coz I can only find a couple. We took LOADS!
ReplyDeleteI'll try to get some - otherwise I'll just pick out the least minging of what I have here and bring them. But mine here stop at about 11 yrs old - noe from teenage years or Mart when he was young. I'll try to get over to find all the other oldies!!
ReplyDeleteI can't WAIT to see "Martin T. Pig: The Early Years" haha.
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ReplyDelete^oops, how embarassing! I spelt something wrong, haha, anyway, I meant to say this:-
ReplyDeleteDaaaavvvve, just want to say I'm here for you to talk to whenever and if I can ever help you when you're down then I'll try my best :) x
Thanks hun.
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