I'm desperately trying to bury these feelings way down where no-one can see them. I can plaster on a smile when needed but inside it's killing me. It hurts so much to want someone you know you can't have. It doesn't stop you wanting them, even if you accept that you can't have things your own way all the time.
Sometimes I can go hours, days probably but then something will be said or I'll be drawn to a photo from a particular night that will trigger this feeling inside of me and I feel like I want to explode. Not with anger, I haven't the strength to be angry about it. I wanna curl up and bury my head in the sand until the feelings pass. They'd better pass. I don't know much longer I can stand to feel like this inside when on the outside I'm smiling and supposedly moving on.
I've shot myself in the foot really, because the 'friend' side of me wants to be there, I wanna share everything like the old days and have no secrets from each other just like before, and that is SO GOOD, believe me. I haven't felt this happy since the Tori concert and it's such a good feeling to know things are normal again yet I'm possibly keeping the biggest burden of them all locked up inside. But still I smile. Life is much simpler if I just smile. The only person who can get hurt is me then, and what does that matter?
Smile Dave, SMILE!!
I was wondering if *ahem* was still around cos you've not mentioned *ahem* for a while. Is *ahem* back to uni yet? Probably not cos they have the most gigantic holidays @ uni! Is *ahem* behaving? Oh, and you can have things your own way all the time - or at least some of the time! ;p
ReplyDeleteEverything is fine with *ahem* in fact it's been the best it has in a very long time. I guess I shouldn't have posted this so publicly, but I was so pissed off yesterday before I wrote this. I confided in someone else about my feelings for *ahem* and now basically at every opportunity they rub my fucking face in it, making stupid jokes or showing me photos of *ahem* and making inappropriate jestures and it just reminds me of stuff I don't wanna be reminded of basically. I'm finding it really hard to move on from certain feelings, but I'm trying. I've not felt so strongly about someone in a long while. But on the plus side our friendship is 100% at the moment. Thats all that matters to me right now, coz losing the friendship was worse than losing anything else. If the friendship is ok then a few tears behind closed doors doesn't really matter.
ReplyDeleteDave, I am so glad that you are blogging again...I miss the ole myspace blog days..
ReplyDeleteThe blogging days of Myspace were cool. I tried to get back into Myspace recently but it just didn't have the same appeal that it used to have, so I thought I'd carry on with Facebook and use Blogspot for blogging. It's cool to know people are out there still.
ReplyDeleteWho is rubbing your face in it? A FB person?
ReplyDeleteYeah. Someone we both know too. I'll email you about it.
ReplyDeleteOkie :) *waits* lol
ReplyDelete