WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE?

I've just been looking at... well, some might call it 'stalking' I guess... hmm yeah, I've just been stalking old school friends, no... not 'friends' as such... classmates, yeah... hmmm. This is going horribly wrong. Let me start again.



I've just been stalking old classmates on Facebook. The beautiful people; fabulously gawwwgeous classmates from back in the day who took great pleasure in mocking the fat lonely lump amongst them at every given opportunity. Whilst you'd expect them to still be thin and fabulous now, you'd be wrong. Time hasn't been as kind to some of them as you'd expect. GOOD! I was quite surprised to see the once 'beautiful people' in such a miserable state. Some of them have ballooned up bigger than I and their lavishly looking locks of lucious hair have been replaced with receding hairlines and bald patches. (and that's just some of the women.) I've always been on the 'chunky' side, I've maintained the chunkiness from my teens and carried it into my thirties. I look in the mirror and just feel old nowdays, it's still the same fat face staring back at me though. It must be so odd for the once fabulously beautiful people to now look in the mirror and think "where did my looks go?" Maybe they don't even think this but I took great pleasure in hoping they do. I remember the put-downs, the snide remarks and the looks that occured daily throughout school, on not just me but anyone that wasn't thin and fabulous. Well who's laughing now?

Don't get me wrong, there are still some 'beautiful people' from school that remain beautiful to this very day, it was a good trip down memory lane to see familar faces. I had a good nose about on the non-private profiles so didn't actually have to add any of them to see things. Some of them have moved away from Leicester, Some have good jobs and most of them are married with kids, which brings me to my final observation of the night:

There are some fucking UGLY babies about.

PREPARATIONS AND CELEBRATIONS

I'm in party mode already, which is unusual for me because normally I leave everything until last minute.com when we have guests coming but today I made a start on preparations for the weekend. One of which included errecting Marvin's birthday sign outside.

The downside of living on a street full of pensioners is they're always at home and the second you step outside, the nets start twitching to keep an eye on your business. You can imagine their delight when not only did I leave the house but I was a fair target stuck at the front of the house to be pounced upon for gossip. Mum was with me too, we were putting the sign up above the door when Sylvia leaps from her house quicker than a gas explosion bellowing across the road "Whose birthday is it?" [Had she waited 5 minutes until the sign was up properly she would have known without asking.] Mum explained it was "One of the pigs" to which they exchanged a quick chuckle/eye roll and Marvin's name was revealed in all it's glory for Sylvia to read aloud. "So it's not just a birthday, its an extravaganza is it?" Yes, got a problem with that?

Before Sylvia could leave, someone else stuck her oar in, a pensioner I don't know walking past with her dog. Again with the question "I didn't know it was anyones birthday?" Mum replied with "one of the pigs." again and then the dog this woman was holding on a lead started going ape shit when he saw our dog starring back at him through the glass of the porch door. Thankfully Richard, who was also outside had the foresight to run indoors when he saw my Mum coming. (She loves a good gossip does my Mum.)



Accompanied by the latest Goldfrapp mix that Brett made I've hoovered, polished, fluffed and buffed everything in the 'party' room, so god help anyone that messes it up before Saturday. Tomorrow I'll attempt the bombsites that are my livingarea/bedroom/bathroom. *gulp* I have my appointment with Doctor Powar tomorrow so I'm hoping that goes well. I'm nervous but am not in the mood to take any shit from him. BRING IT ON!

MEET N' GREETS

There's always someone who wants me to do something I don't want to do. It's hard to say no to friends when you know it'll disappoint them or it's something they really have their heart set on doing with you, but sometimes, and if they really cared they'd understand that it's not always that you don't want to, it's that you can't.

I'm useless in person. I wish people would realise this. I usually only shine online. I feel uncomfortable in almost all social situations and whilst I can have a laugh, raise a smile etc, inside I'm terrified of people sitting too close or putting me on the spot with an awkward question or suggestion. I'm on edge the entire time I'm around people, I don't know why it should be like this anymore, because I normally only surround myself with people I care about and want to be with anyway but I worry about silly things like hygene; whether or not I smell; I cake myself in deoderant in the hope that all they'll smell is Nivea instead of 'terror'. or looks; if I'm panicking inside then possibly will be visibly uncomfortable on the outside, I'll go red or sweat etc, personal space; whether people are gonna suddenly lunge at me for a hug or touch me without warning; again relating to my personal hygene etc. This kinda stuff is covered in my therapy sessions and it's something I'm dealing with over time. If I'm in a room with people for a certain amount of time I find myself feeling suffocated, I make excuses to leave from time to time just to catch my breath. People are aware I'm doing this now and just let me get on with it I guess. This is obviously easier at my own house because I'm the host so can easily refresh drinks or collect plates/glasses to be taken out of the room. Not so easy when you're at someone elses house coz you basically only have "I'll be right back, I need the toilet." to work with.

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy social situations from time to time, when they're planned in advance and I have time to prepare for them but they're usually on my terms, when I've helped decide the date we're meeting on and we're meeting at my house or wherever. I think everyone knows better than to just 'surprise' me by knocking on the door now, because I probably wouldn't even answer it. Recently I've extended my 'comfort zone' and have been travelling further afield than I ever thought I would, and it's been fantastic to be able to feel comfortable in someone elses house as well as my own. I know getting there is sometimes a nightmare and I panic alot, but once I'm there and the door is closed I know I'm safe and can relax. I don't think I'll ever get used to travelling, but I know I can do it and I know what to expect now. The downside of achieving this though, was more and more people expected me to go and visit them. Which I can understand, I've done it for one person so why I can't I do it for everyone? Well I just can't. I'm sorry. I never in a million years thought I'd travel out of Leicester with someone on a train, now I can even do it on my own I still find it hard to believe I've actually done it and I'm actually there.



I guess what I'm trying to say is, I will meet you in person at some point, but hopefully you'll understand that I find it difficult and might need a bit more time to get used to the idea first. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I have to tell myself that It'll be fine and that this is what 'normal' people do all the time without a care in the world.

BISCUIT NIRVANA

"Hmmm lovely bissquits" haha.

I cannot stop eating biscuits today. Maybe this could have been prevented had I not bought three boxes of shortbread and two packets of hobnobs this morning, but least said soonest mended.

Sylvia offered me a biscuit yesterday, which is where biscuit-nirvana first took hold. Chocolate dipped shortbread covered in peanuts if you please, not just your average rich tea or plain hobnob. "well la dee fucking dahh!" However, one bite and several orgasms later there I was the next day bulk buying. I'm beginning to feel a bit biscuitted out now tho.

Is there such a thing as TOO MANY biscuits? I'm sure those visiting this weekend will find out. [on a totally unrelated-to-biscuits note, why do I always feel like Carrie Bradshaw when I ask a question mid-blog?]

*sits back from laptop, ponders and smokes*

SOMETHING FOR THE WEEKEND

When someone says "Don't write about me on your blog will you?" it's like a dagger to the heart!! You should be grateful I have anything to say about you. haha. BOO HISS BOO!

Anywhoooo, on with the blog. Today has been fabulous so far, possibly due to the fact I had vodka for breakfast. Well, thats not as bad as it sounds, it had just gone 2pm and it was a social occasion but it was the first thing to pass my lips, so technically was breakfast. I feel absolutely trollied truth be told! But it's all good. Its been a tough week in parts but I'm focussing on next weekend and my GAWGEOUS little adopted Marvin's gathering. Marvin will have been with me for two years by next week. (although I guess he has spent over a year living with Kate on and off - haha. His choice! Anyone would think he didn't like me!??) so thats alot to celebrate. "You know... You either get the 'pig thing' or you don't. Its' not something you can force!" hahaha It's not my place to go into the history of the T. Pigs everytime someone new asks me, either hop on the bandwagon and join in the party or jog on and question someone else. I give no shits if you think I'm barking mad. (and alot do, mostly family members as I found out today. lol) It is what it is, harmless fun and a great way of raising a smile.



I am actually really looking forward to next weekend. I guess it has high expectations in a way coz it's the first party of 2010 and it'll be the first time my two bestest friends in the whole wide world will have seen each other since September and Im really looking forward to spending some quality time with them both again. (in wigs possibly? are we wearing wigs? I know Joe's just had a haircut, but as it made him look like a lesbian (his words not mine) he might be grateful of a few hair extensions at least?) They'll also be cake!! oh yes, there WILL finally be a cake. I was a bit reluctant to even celebrate this occasion a couple of weeks ago but now the banner is going up and I'm going to collect the cake on Thursday! (so keep EVERYTHING crossed that the photo machine is actually working this time or we might end up with another huge fondant fancy.) I have no idea which photo I'm going to use for the cake yet. No doubt Marv will narrow it down to thousands by Thursday though, he does love every photo he's ever been in equally and who can blame him? Not I.

Oh and on a serious note... I had a letter of acknowledgement from the NHS about my complaint to the Cedars Center re: Doctor 'Tori Fan' Mann no longer being in charge of my care. Whilst it didn't tell me anything I hadn't already been told on the phone they do "claim" to be starting an investigation into my complaint and will get back to me within 25 days, or was it after 25 days? I don't know - I tore the letter up in frustration if I'm honest. Its just unnessarsary paperwork and stamps to basically tell me they'll do what they bloody well like, when they bloody well like and I have to like it or lump it. (lumping it isn't fun - they just up your medication and put you on suicide watch.) Liking it at least means you get to go home of an evening and watch Emmerdale. Bless them all, each and every one.

Right - I think that's me done. I had this idea (which will possibly amount to nothing.) after reading Dawn French's autobiography. The style she chose to write her autobiography in was as letters to her loved ones. It worked so well, didn't feel like I was reading a book at all, just being nosey and rifling through her personal letters. I want to write letters to you all eventually in a similar fashion. (Panic not - they're not suicide notes this time. It's just something I like the idea of, like I say it will probably amount to nothing but it would be a fabulous task to work on.) I'm also documenting this blog in a word file. "A year in the life of..." so to speak. Hopefully by the end of 2010 all my blogs will be a reflection on what kind of year 2010 was for me, I can print them off and read back, possibly even hand to my therapist. I'll either be praised for my witty banter and attention to detail... or I'll be sectioned and banned from the internet for life.

50/50 chance I'd say.

SHAMELESS

Haven't done much today except watch 'Shameless' online. "PARRRRRTAY!" Having been outbid on all 3 dvd box sets I was bidding on with ebay yet again, I decided to give in and just watch them online for now. Not quite as comfy as the sofa but the PC monitor is easily turned to face the bed, so that's where I've been most of the day, for the duration of series three.



I txtd a few people today and I think I've made a total twat of myself yet again. I am lethal with a mobile phone when I'm feeling low, it just comes out as woe-is-Dave. The two people I really wanted to get a reply from, didn't, so I've deleted alot of phone numbers to avoid such occurance happening again. I guess I really do have to admit that some things just can't be fixed. I guess they were last ditch attempts to put wrong things right, I dunno. I felt I owed it one last chance to make amends but all I've probably done is give them the last laugh.

I now only have 15 numbers stored in my phone and one of them is my own. (landline) haha. I guess it'll save on credit if nothing else.

According to Yvonne from 'Shameless' the worlds 3 biggest lies are:

1) Big is Beautiful.
2) Your cheque is in the post.
3) I won't cum in your fucking mouth!

So true! Yvonne is cool. Now Sheila is about to depart she's my favourite character.

STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES.

This blog entry is proving pretty hard to put into words. I know it's going against what I've promised in the past and will leave some people who read it feeling awkward, not knowing how to react. You don't have to react. I write these blogs more for myself than anything I guess, although I'm aware people are reading them from time to time I'm not talking to any particular one of you when I write them. It'd be less awkward for both of us if this particular entry remains unread I guess. I'm posting it because I promised myself that this would be a 'warts n all' blog, a permanent record of what David Starmer had to say.

I need help. Professional help I guess, help I'm not getting, despite having a senior occupational therapist and a consultant psychiatrist in charge of my care. 'Care' thats a ridulous word for what goes on in that place if ever there was one. How many people in that bloody place actually 'care' about their patients? None. I could count on one hand the number of people I've met in person who actually do care for me, and even they're pushed to the limit with me.

I hate myself so much. On a daily basis. I hate what I am, I hate what I see in the mirror, I hate what I've done to others and I hate what I've become. I'm so full of hate it's pushing most of my other emotions to the side and taking over. How can I expect others to care about me when I don't care about myself? When I go to sleep wishing myself dead most nights, wishing that someone would take pity on me and allow me never to wake up ever again and be free of this constant battle with myself.

I don't want to live like this. This isn't living. It's existing. Existing would be fine if there was something waiting at the end of the journey, but there's nothing. Why am I existing? What for? What is my purpose in life? Some twisted form of long drawn out punishment so everyone can point and laugh at the freak show when he breaks down? Sometimes that's all I am. I'm breaking down and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know who to talk to, what to do or how to cope?

Alot more happened tonight, but I don't think I'm ready to talk about that just yet.

SURPRISE? YES, IT WAS.

If you'd have said to me lastnight "who will be the first person you'll speak to in the morning?" the last person I would have said is Snow White, but that's just who it was. I went downstairs and as I was opening the door to the hall there she was. (About to come up and see me so she says.) Part of me wishes I'd have left it a couple of minutes later before going downstairs to see if she actually would have dared come up to my part of the house on her own, we'll never know for sure. Anywhoo, my brother turns 30 in June and she is organising a surprise birthday party for him. *hopes he doesn't read this blog before June* If you are Kev - SURPRISE! Snow White wants me to design some birthday invitations for him. This will be an ideal birthday gift from me actually because Im never sure of what to buy him so I reckon birthday invites and a couple of banners will be fabulous. Just so happens I've been rumaging through babyphotos just lately so I have some ideal snaps for the occasion. The chat with Snow White was surreal, it was like we'd never had crossed words in our lives. I went into 'creative' mode and started showing her invitations I'd designed in the past, half of which were for parties I'd never invited her to. ha. (I wonder if she realised?) We settled on a design and she's going to get back to me with exactly she wants printing on the invitation. The party isn't until June so there's plenty of time.



Snow White was here today to ask my Mum if she'd collect Leah from school because she had to take Dylan for his latest set of jabs. Mum asked me if I wanted to accompany her, so I did. I was reluctant at first because being sat in a car alone with my Mum for half an hour didn't exactly appeal to me after the recent arguments, we've barely been able to stand each others company for 10 minutes before a row would errupt but I thought I'd give it a go. Leah started school back in September and I'd never been to collect her before so it was all new to me. I'm so glad I went, when we arrived the kids were busy getting their coats on and I could see them through the window. Leah looked so grown up surrounded by her fellow classmates. When the teacher saw my Mum they called Leah's name and she galloped forward to collect her bag/lunchbox etc. She had such a beaming smile on her face when she not only saw Grandma but her Uncle Dave too. ha. It gave me a real lift to see it. Thankfully I managed to avoid another interaction with Snow White because Mum will be there when Leah is collected and I can stay out of the way.

JE SUIS FATTY-GAY

or as the French might say "Je suis fatigué!" (Please don't feel the need to comment in French if you do - I only know how to say this and how to order a coffee with milk.)

I've waited all day for something exciting to happen but so far nothing has.

I sent txt msgs to engage in witty banter but they've gone unreplied to, I've left comments on Facebook but hardly anyone is about, MSN is dormant and I've even phoned a few people but they weren't able to chat.

Everyone is busy.

Am I the only person without a life here? Maybe I should just use the time to sleep? I could do with catching up on some because I haven't been sleeping well at all lately. If you find me slumped in a corner of Starbucks somewhere then please give me a nudge and buy me a latte.



Much love.

CHIP STOP

Had a haircut today...



Not the best coz Paul (the usual guy who cuts my locks) was in Paris but it'll do. I'm really unsure about leaving it without any hairdye on though. I've been dying my hair black since I was 15 to avoid the grey but the grey always comes straight back as soon as I have it cut and it's currently sparkling in the moonlight as I type. Part of me thinks well hang on, I'm 33 - surely a few splashes of grey isn't gonna look THAT out of place? but then I catch sight of my reflection in the mirror and wish I'd bought hair dye on the way home instead of chips.

ooh yea, I had chips again. Wasn't planned but I came out of the hairdressers and saw Snow-White with her Sister right infront of me so I turned right instead of left (the way I was originally going) to avoid them and there it was... a chip shop! So I went inside and heard Moe's little voice at the back of my head saying "Don't forget the curry sauce this time."



JAM called also. I have an appointment with her tomorrow morning at 9.30am. She won't know what's hit her, when I actually hit her for being absent. lol It'll be an interesting session to say the least. I have some other news but I've shot myself in the foot by telling everyone where this blog is coz I really wanna blog about it but can't incase beedy eyes feast their peepers on it. It really has been an eventful day to say the least. I'm sure we'll catch up individually about that though.

I'm currently sat at my desk drinking wine and loafing about on MSN waiting for something exciting to happen. WELL? Is something exciting going to happen?!?!

LETTING GO.

It's been difficult these last two days to get motivated. I'm spending more time in the past lately than getting on with things, but that's not been a bad thing. I've enjoyed going through old photo albums and showcasing some of them on Facebook. It's been a good trip down memory lane for me and has really helped take my mind off things. I've met some cool people over the years, and some not so cool, but they all join together to make things what they are today. If you're curious to see what I mean, check out the RETRO album on Facebook and meet some of the Beautiful People from my past/present.



Next week needs to be about letting go and moving forward. No more living in the past. I've excelled myself with stupidity recently, even by my own standards. I can't let go of certain things and it's hurting so much. It's felt like this for months inside but some days are easier to hide it than others. Every day should be getting better not worse. I have this overwhelming feeling of... emotion? I guess you'd call it emotion, hmm yeah without being too specific and it's eating away at me from the inside, there will soon be nothing left. Then what? What happens when there's nothing left to destroy?

I'm running out of places to mark myself that I can easily cover up. In the past I've dug nails into my skin, used scissors, a knife, even a compass. Once there was nothing else to hand so I picked up a comb and snapped it, I used the sharpest point and forced it into the crease between my legs, slicing it about until my palm had filled with blood, just to make the feelings go away so I'd feel nothing. It hurt like hell but in a way It was comforting. A fitting punishment for someone so worthless. I've come so close to hurting myself this weekend, but that's the past and I'm letting go, right?

I don't know why I hate myself so much at times, really I don't coz I'm not a bad person. (Although it depends who you ask, I guess.) Somedays I can live with myself knowing I'm doing my best by myself and others, yet on other days I feel like a worthless being, not fit to breathe the same air as you, selfishly ruining peoples lives with his own tainted mess. I really should be telling this to a therapist. If only I had one.

JOYOUS DAY.

Yesterday's dreary day ended on a high, a surprise visit from Joe. I didn't know he was even in Leicester. GOOD TIMES!

The surprises didn't end there. I woke this morning to the pitter patter of tiny feet. No, it wasn't Marvin arriving home early, it was Leah raiding my sweets. "PUT THEM DOWN!!! At least give me a hug before you rob all my maltesers." ha. Mum is babysitting today and Leah had managed to escape upstairs for a feast of chocolately goodness behind Granny-She's back. (Although we usually give the game away when she trots back downstairs with chocolate all round her mouth.) Maltesers for breakfast. Yum.

After I'd showered another parcel arrived. *squeep* Now, having had delivery of four parcels this week already and each one of them causing a major row about my spending habits on eBay I couldn't for the life of me think what I'd ordered. Surely not more postcards? Had I been sleep-ordering again during the night? I think vista print should have a limit on how many times I'm allowed to visit their site.... anywhoo, it was none of the above. (thankfully) Although the raised "what have you ordered now" eyebrow was waiting for me as the package was handed over I could clearly see by now that it was a gift from America. "Ha! IN YOUR FACE!" I grabbed the package and ran, as quick as my porky legs would allow back upstairs to the confines of the attic to rummage through the box.

It was a "beat the midwinter blues care package" from my dahling little nephew Maynard. JOYOUS DAY! What does one need to beat the midwinter blues you might ask? well, I'll tell you. Having gnawed the box open with my teeth I revealed a HUGE bag of mini-twix's. (Ideal for beating any blues, not only midwinter ones.) A great big bag of french roast coffee. (a daily nessesity in my opinion.) A tube of cadburys chocolate buttons. (I know Toberlone has taken over, but we all know my obsession for cadburys chocolate buttons knows no bounds.) A bag of peppermint drinking chocolate (minty and chocolatey!) and finally a bar of raspberry chocolate (and boy did my raspberry swirl!) All this accompanied by the cutest little letter from the trotter of Maynard T. Pig himself.



I feel loved.

Joe's coming over again tonight and as today was the first day in ages I haven't woken up to an inbox full of 'crappy unnessarsary messages' on Facebook I have a feeling that everything will remain fabulous for the weekend.

NOTHING HERE TO FEAR.

Bradley is poorly. I don't think the cold weather is agreeing with him, although he's probably warmer than I am with the amount of straw and bedding he has in his bed but he's looking ever so sorry for himself. I held him a while earlier but he wasn't interested at all, I'm sure if he could speak he would have said "Oh, just put me down and fuck off Dave!" I could see it in his eyes. I on the other hand am feeling a bit better today health wise, mentally though I'm still a bit of fucked up retardis. I'm still having major issues over my emotions, but that's not for now.

Today would have been my Dad's 65th birthday. Mum seemed in a very sedate mood, at least she was until we had yet another row. I should have stayed out of her way today really, quite stupid of me to think she'd want some company.

Totally changing the subject, I'm always confused why total strangers choose to 'follow me' on Twitter. I'm not talking advertising companies etc, I mean just random people, from Leicester or wherever. They 'follow me' yet make no effort to communicate with me whatsoever. I even messaged one of them the other day and asked who they were and why they'd chosen to follow me. Needless to say I got no reply, so I guess I'll never know. I post alot of personal information online, sometimes I think I post too much, it's times like these that makes me wonder just WHO is out there reading it.

Finally - Homotography. I am OBSESSED with black and white photos of semi-naked guys. Does that make me a pervert? Do I care? ha.



Check out my albums on Facebook. I'll hopefully be adding to them over time. I spend hours trawling the Internet for random images and reading what the artist has to say about them. I am fascinated by the imagination some people have. There are alot of stories out there just waiting to be read. I know today's blog has been a bit thrown together subject-wise. I guess it's been one of those kind of days where a snippet of everything gets thrown into the bowl and hopefully something good will be created from it.

FANCY A GAME OF DOCTORS AND NURSES?

I'm ill. GAAAHH. Other than that everything is just peachy.



I hate being ill and I make the worst patient ever. Didn't make it to my appointment with JAM and have spent the whole night/morning throwing up. BAD TIMES.

*waits for a delivery of lucozade and grapes*

Form an orderly queue peeps.

SONGS [AND A QUICK MOAN] FROM THE RED ROOM.

I have tummy ache. Quite uncomfortable actually, like I've swallowed a small rodent and it's still alive in there scurrying about. I think the lack of sleep from previous nights is catching up with me, coz I feel dog rough, although I did get some sleep lastnight. (Until the phone woke me up, yes thanks for that Michael!! haha. I kid.) Following our txt marathon I dragged myself out of bed and flopped infront of the PC to check Facebook. Same shit - Different day, but I suppose I'd moan if it were any different.

I ventured into Wigston eventually and managed to post some T. Pig stuff out to people. *quick rant about the postal service coming up* 90p to post the same postcard to USA but 30p to the UK. WHAT is that all about?!?! Bloody rip-off merchants. I posted them though, and they do look rather fabulous. Things with Mum seem easier, we went shopping together and had a chat. Well, she talked - I listened as we walked, but that's progress right? I'd originally planned to have coffee with her after we got back, but we bumped into Sylvia who whisked her away for the very same so I made it back to the attic alone. *scoffs chocolate hobnob biscuits* What? Do you REALLY think I'd expect coffee with someone and not bring home the biscuits? I had coffee alone but in reality passed on the biscuits coz of my small-rodent. (Tummy? Remember? Keep up!) We'll have chocolate hobnobs later.



I've been listening to the new Shakespears' Sister album "Songs From The Red Room" and I can honestly say I'm somewhat disappointed in it. My first impression was "Why in the name of crappy biscuits did I pay £6.99 for this SHIT?" Don't even get me started on the "la la la's" or the "ooh baby baby's" But having listened several times and grown used to it, there are some very good tracks on it. [Loaded Gun, Hot Room] Some not so good, [Pulsation, Bad Blood.] but the good ones more than make up for that. I'm glad I bought it now, but maybe if I'd have bought it sooner and not built up my expectations for a fabulous album from tracks 1 to 12 then possibly I wouldn't have been so disappointed. Are you taking notes Moe? You'll be reviewing it for the magazine.

All in all it's been a very slow uneventful day, made even more uneventful by the fact I can't get hold of JAM. (Not Hartley's conserve, JAM = Joan Armstrong Morton, my therapist, for anyone who doesn't know. She is also likely to get a link to this blog at some point - so wave to her!) I've tried several times over the last few days to get through to her, I've had the standard "She's in a meeting" yesterday and today I'd just missed her apparantely. LIES!!! Phone me back woman.

Until then... I'm heading back to the red room for a few more songs. Geddit?

*watches tumbleweed roll over the blog*

Oh...

DISCONNECTED CHILD

I'm still at odds with my Mum, we've barely spoken throughout the Christmas period and when we have it's been snappy from both sides. I don't understand this. Without playing the victim card too much, I feel she blames me for the drama that erupted over 'Snow-White and her Seven attitude problems' which resulted in me ducking out of Christmas. Whenever we've spoken since then there's been this tone of resentment and I have just had to close the door in her face several times when we've started speaking and its gone from snappy to just insulting. I feel terrible for this but I argue enough with friends without having to carry that on with family members.

It's getting to the point now where we have crossed words on a daily basis. I need to stop this before it's too late and rein in some of the arguments. It's hard though, and it's not just me. When we are speaking it seems the day starts on an argument as it often does lately when I'm woken up to be told what I've done wrong this time, it sets the tone for the rest of the day so when we do cross paths again, in the hall or wherever, neither of us are speaking to each other, so we never clear the air. I've stopped arguing back now but that hasn't stopped her charging at me like a bull in a china shop if something meets with her disapproval. It's hard not to snap back at someone when they break the silence and introduce themselves with an almighty huff, listing everything you've done wrong between now and 1985 in one breath. Literally the only way to stop her voicing her disapproval sometimes is to just close the door on her. (and lock it if I hear her charging up the stairs with a rolling pin. lol) Although to be fair she hasn't attempted to wake me up for the past couple of days at the crack of dawn, I think even she has given up on our early morning battles.



I love her to bits but we're growing even further apart.

CRACKS IN THE CANVAS.

I guess it was inevitable that following a few pretty good days that there would be a pretty awful one lurking around the corner. I'm used to that. I don't know why they have to happen or why they do?

When you'd have expected me to go to pieces, I didn't. I held it together and none of the recent events mattered. I'd got friends around me online, there was a real whirlwind of support from some of them and surprisingly nothing anyone said about certain family members no-longer with us had any effect at all. It may have been a case of 'one step back' but there have been several steps forward in the process and if anything I felt relieved not to have to pretend that things were fine and put up with people I didn't want to anymore. I could tell the truth and delete some of my contacts list with a clear conscience.

That was then.

I'm so full of emotion right now, I can feel it seeping from my pores and it scares me slightly. My body is alive with feelings as if they'd been held back for the past few days and now have decided to rush to my brain with avengence all at once. I feel vulnerable like this. I don't feel in control and am likely to say things/do things that leave me feeling even worse than before. So I hide away from 'real life'. Ignore the phone, curl up under the duvet and just wait. Sleeping sometimes helps, even those moments waking up from sleep can be comforting until you realise where you are and what you were hiding from becomes reality again, the reason you feel so shit all comes flooding back. So when I'm really low I keep myself medicated, probably taking alittle more than prescribed, but on the 'good' days I can balance that out by taking less, so by the end of the prescripted month I'm on course for the next batch without any raised eyebrows as to why my pills ran out a week early. Obviously this isn't ideal, but it's worked in the past and it'll work again.

I've let myself go a bit just lately. I'm not caring for myself as much as I should and If I'm honest have probably been a bit too hard on myself in recent weeks. Christmas was so hard this year. I didn't want to be apart of it and I didn't enjoy it. I can see the repercussions of this as I look into the mirror. I really should remove all the mirrors in my room, they are of no use to me when I'm feeling like this and bathing in blame. I know I can't help situations that are beyond my control and I'm aware other people often feel like this but just get on with it and ride the storm . I know what'd make it all better again, but it's beyond my reach. There are familar feelings that always come to the surface in times like this. It makes it so much harder to move on when they're right at the top, itching, scalding, reminding me they're there, waiting for me to act on them and make a complete and utter fool of myself.

So If I'm a bit quiet for the next few days or so, you'll know why. It's just one of those temporary glitches until the cogs have been oiled again. Everything will be fine, it's just a case of getting on with things and riding that storm that everyone else seems to do so well. I am SO GREATFUL to the people who've been there for me this past year online and off. When others buggered off there were only TWO people that held onto me in person and I will never forget that for as long as I live. I know it's not all been plain sailing and I did things to rock the boat and lost their trust at times for various reasons in the past but I am SO GLAD to be able to call these people friends. Kate & Joe - I LOVE YOU MORE THAN TOBLERONE and I'll do everything I can to make sure I never lose either of you again. I know we don't get to see each other all that often but the times we do really make up for the times we don't and we're gonna make some fabulous memories throughout 2010, I know we are.

Bare with me on the down days and I'll make up for everything on the good. Promise.

SECRETS AND LIES.

Why can't people just tell the truth anymore? Is the truth really that bad?

It's so much worse when you find out the truth from other people/whatever and you realise you've been lied to. However small the lie, to be exposed as a liar makes it huge. People who tell you one thing to your face but are blatantly up to something else really fuck me off. I don't know what's worse, the lying or the fact they expect you to believe them.



I'm so disappointed.

OH HAPPY DAY.

I didn't wanna get out of bed this morning. I knew as soon as I did my day would start. There was a blizzard of snow today and worst of all I knew I was running low on supplies. (There wasn't a Toblerone in the house.) For fear of being snowed in I was about to ask my Mum if she'd give me a lift to Tesco in the car when *surprise* she barked up the stairs and said "I'm going to Tesco, do you want anything?" well, a lift would be nice.

Thankfully the snow had died right down so we got to Tesco pretty easily. Once inside though it was a different story, it seems everyone was panic-buying. Don't you just hate that? When they think the shops might be closed for a day because of bad weather or whatever everyone runs to Tesco and buys all the bread. I got everything I needed and quite a few things I didnt. (Hey, I was panic-buying and you never know when you might need a multipack of rim-blocks for the toilet.)

Mum had to collect a prescription from Little Hill Chemist on the way back and as we pulled up outside I saw it... glowing in the distance... THE CHIP SHOP!! Like a beacon of greasy light through the falling snow. *slurrrp* As every fat bastard does, I get alittle moist when I see a chip shop, but as some of you know I have this phobia about going into public places, even more so on my own, and I'd already braved Tesco but with my Mum getting out of the car to collect her prescription and knowing that she'd have to wait to collect it I seized my chance. There was no-one queuing and if I could get inside I could order as much as I could carry!! So thats what I did. I ran, slow-motion-like (coz of the icey bits) through the snow and pressed my face up against the steamy window of the chipshop like not-so-Tiny Tim. "Battered sausage and some chips please, feel free to pile them on!" Its not like I never get to have chips from the chip shop. *looks at Joe* but knowing I got them myself made them taste pretty darn good. Until I got home and Moe confiscated them that is...



wot a BASTARD!

SLEEP WILL SET ME FREE.

I'm feeling rather deflated today. My sleeping pattern is buggered beyond belief. Having not slept at all for two days I finally got some sleep this morning, only to be woken an hour or so later by what I at first thought was a car alarm, but it was my Mum yelling up the stairs from one room to another sounding like she was standing right next to me. Why was I being yelled at you ask? Well apparently the waterbottle on my rabbit hutch was frozen solid. How did she know this? Because she'd been to the hutch, yet didn't bother to change it, she thought she'd come and yell at me to do so instead. If I had a Toblerone for everytime I've heard "It's your rabbit." I'd be 40stone instead of 20. Well forgive me for being cruel here but surely Bradley could just suck on a ice-cube if he was thirsty for the next hour or so coz there was no way I was getting out of that bed.

I must have been really tired because I went straight back to sleep only to be woken up later by the phone. I didn't answer it, but on later inspection after I'd got up saw it was Wendy. (Sorry Wendy if you're reading this. I'll call you back at some point.) The final nail in my sleepless coffin was to be yelled at once more, this time Sylvia from across the road had made us an apple pie and whilst it was still warm the car alarm went off again and demanded I come and eat some. Apple pie for breakfast? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!!!!!!!!



As the week goes on I'm becoming more and more convinced that a good nights sleep has become a thing of the past. One of dvd purchases from eBay has turned up though, so who needs sleep when you have 'the greatest TV prison drama ever made?' (well that's what it says on the sticker.)

THE PIED PIPER OF FACEBOOK

Remember my adorable little status on Facebook about not moaning today? Thankfully that only applies to Facebook and not Blogspot.

I've realised there is no point getting 'someone new' in your life coz as soon as you do all the 'someone old's' are on it like flies round shit. Can't I do ANYTHING without people feeling the need to follow?!?! Some of them need to back the fuck off! I feel like the pied piper of Facebook at times. Everytime I add someone new on Facebook who doesn't know any of my other Facebook friends you can guarantee that within a day or so certain people will be sticking their nose in where it's not wanted. I added someone new recently, someone who didn't know anyone I knew and literally a day or so after, one by one all the old 'faithfuls' who seem incapable of finding friends of their own wade in with their size-whatevers and add them.

My only hope is that when I do finally jump off that cliff, some of them will follow. I'm pretty sure this doesn't apply to anyone who is likely to read this blog, so apologies if you're offended by this. Obviously friends making friends with friends is cool most of the time, but when you just want a 'time out' from the regular Facebook banter and all you're greeted with is downtrodden old pervs ready to feast their eyes on some new meat it REALLY fucks me off.

I remember having a similar problem on Myspace back in the day. One of my friends took it upon themselves to add every single fucking friend I had until their friendslist consisted entirely of MY friends, then one by one they started to succeed in alienating them and trying to drive them away from me. Paranoid? I don't think so. But thankfully that desperado has latched onto someone else and my friendslist can breathe a sigh of relief... for now at least.

THANKS - BUT NO THANKS!

I know I shouldn't moan... but I will. ha.



I'm finding it hard to interact with 'new' people online. I thought I'd make some more friends in 2010 and make the effort to go out there and message people on social networking sites etc. As as rule (for fear of rejection mostly If I'm honest.) I don't normally go looking for new people, I let them find me, that way I can be sure they want to actually get to know me if they send a msg/add request or whatever. But I guess I can't moan about being lonely if I make no effort to find people myself can I? so attempt to find people I did. I made profiles on a few sites, pretty much the same on every one and used search facilities to see who was about. I sent messages to people I had things in common with or thought generally looked cool. What could go wrong? well, everything actually. ha.

Rejection is rife online. I don't think many people saw past my profile thumbnail before declining my add request or simply hitting 'delete' on my message. I feel cheated. I have so much to give but no-one wants to take it with them. Anyone over 21 is considered a 'pensioner' in gay years and the 'type' of guy I've always gone for in a relationship in the past has always been younger than me. But I'm getting old, people in their twenties no-longer wanna talk to rusty old farts like me online. But that's relationships, surely chat friends can be of any age? I have some of the most fabulous chat friends of all ages and I have such a laugh with them at times, I even tend to forget there is even an age gap at times. Thankfully not everyone rejected my attempts to make friends and a couple people at least replied with the standard "I'm ok thanks, how are you?" before then hitting 'delete' and never bothering to make contact again.

Oh how I love being online. *shrugs*

It's not all doom and gloom though. I'm keeping busy elsewhere. I thought it would be a while before we got the next Issue of T. Pig Magazine together but thanks to some fabulous people helping out. (You know who you are.) we now have the January Issue ready to burst into the public eye. (soon, anyway.) I'm hoping when the postman comes he'll have lots of stuff for me too. I'm waiting on some things I've ordered on eBay to arrive and I'm hoping there will be a reply to my complaint to the medical team at the Cedars Centre about having to change Doctors again. January 27th will soon be here and I really hope they sort things out before then (my next scheduled appointment) and I don't have to see anyone new. I've told them if I can't go back to Doctor Mann then I'd rather not see anybody. Do you think I've done the right thing? I don't want them coming to cart me away. Appointments with Joan will resume as normal, but I am rather anxious about who will be helping her.

SHUT UP AND SMILE!

I can't help but feel jealous. I hate it. It REALLY eats away at me inside and more often than not comes to the surface when I don't want it to. Its one of the feelings I can't control.

I'm desperately trying to bury these feelings way down where no-one can see them. I can plaster on a smile when needed but inside it's killing me. It hurts so much to want someone you know you can't have. It doesn't stop you wanting them, even if you accept that you can't have things your own way all the time.

Sometimes I can go hours, days probably but then something will be said or I'll be drawn to a photo from a particular night that will trigger this feeling inside of me and I feel like I want to explode. Not with anger, I haven't the strength to be angry about it. I wanna curl up and bury my head in the sand until the feelings pass. They'd better pass. I don't know much longer I can stand to feel like this inside when on the outside I'm smiling and supposedly moving on.

I've shot myself in the foot really, because the 'friend' side of me wants to be there, I wanna share everything like the old days and have no secrets from each other just like before, and that is SO GOOD, believe me. I haven't felt this happy since the Tori concert and it's such a good feeling to know things are normal again yet I'm possibly keeping the biggest burden of them all locked up inside. But still I smile. Life is much simpler if I just smile. The only person who can get hurt is me then, and what does that matter?

Smile Dave, SMILE!!

DANCING ON ICE?

I ventured outside today for the first time in ages. I was pretty much indoors over the entire Christmas period but the fridge was bare and I had some stuff to post. I got into the centre of Wigston just far enough to find an audience and slipped on the ice. ha. embarassed much? The ironic thing is several steps previous I stood in a big gob of chewing gum and could feel it still squelching and sticking to the pavement under my feet, even after I thought I'd removed it. You'd think this would be enough to keep me from slipping but no. Wasnt a bad fall, it must have looked more comical than anything and I was very embarassed when I realised people were watching. I AM NEVER GOING OUT AGAIN! (Not until Summer anyway.) I did manage to soldier on and post everything I need to. I even re-stocked the fridge so tonight we dine in style!! Don't get too excited, it's only cat-sausages.

I'd also like to say a HUGE thank you to anyone who spoke to me about my first blog. When I wrote it, I wasn't expecting the response I got from it at all. I feel really overwhelmed by it actually, some of you said some really kind words and it kinda re-lit that little glow inside of me. (which I'm very grateful for considering how bloody cold it is today.) Sometimes it's nice to be told people care, even if you know they do, just hearing it once in a while can be a real tonic. So thank you again for being here and reading the little snippets of my life being fed through this blog.

WELCOME...

I've been trying to kick-start this blog for a while now. Last year when I set it up I said I'd start on January 1st, yet nothing came. Three days later, still nothing, not for the want of trying but if I don't start it now I never will. I wanted somewhere to vent/moan/rant/whatever, that wasn't being thrust in peoples faces on Myspace or Facebook at every turn. That's not to say I won't link to here from those places from time to time but In theory I can keep those places for laughs or general status 'bitching' as I often do. You can come here to read my rants, or not, it's totally up to you. You don't even have to acknowledge you've been here but I'd like to think as I'm writing them someone will eventually be reading. Writing blogs is very therapeutic in itself, even if you don't actually hit 'send' or 'publish' sometimes just throwing words down onto the screen is enough. we'll see.

I have so much to say at times, but can never find the right words to form the sentences. It comes out as insane ramblings or 'needy' desperation and that's not fair because sometimes what I have to say is important, to me anyway. I guess those who know me well, will know I'm not the most 'together' person they've ever met, at times I am an emotional wreck and I give up on life so easily. Sometimes it's easier just to give in, "I can't do it so I won't." or "Help me and I'll try." I've been guilty of this so many times and all it's done is drive people away. Good people, people I care so much about.

I feel quite in control at the moment. (surprise!) I know it would be so easy to let go, so simple to just 'give up' again and roll over to die. Once upon a time I would have done just that and shut the world out, but now I feel I owe it to myself and the very few people around me who actually do care to hang on in there, to keep holding on, because however hard things get or however alone I feel (and I do feel SO ALONE at times, even with so many friends around me sometimes there's just no-one to connect to, no-one to make that mutual acknowledgement that life can be shit at times and know that someone else out there feels exactly the same as I do.) something will come along to change that eventually.

I made such a mess of 2009 on so many levels and already I can see myself taking steps in the wrong direction in 2010, but the difference now is I'm aware of my errors and I'm trying so hard to rein them in and backtrack when I need to before they do any lasting harm and I can avoid making a total mess of things. It's not easy when you lack confidence and find yourself surrounded by confident people. At times it hurts more than anyone will ever understand to know that you're the weaker member of the group. But I'm still here aren't I? Maybe there's hope after all.