STILL WAITING

I spend most of my life waiting - Waiting for phonecalls, Waiting for replies, Waiting for whatever. I'm currently stuck at home waiting for a parcel and as if that wasn't bad enough I'm also waiting to let some guy into the garage for my brother. My brother called this morning and because he's working elsewhere the guy he works with will need access to the garage where the motorbikes are stored and I've been lumbered with the task of letting him in. He's not due until twelve so at least I know when he's coming. The parcel however is scheduled to arrive anytime between 8am and 6pm, so it's pretty much anybodies guess when that will turn up.



I'm in a grumpy mood. I'd like to blame the heat but I'm still feeling bitter from yesterday's little 'curiosity' slip up. Barely slept lastnight, although that possibly was because of the heat. 'He' has been on my mind ever since. If only there was a switch I cud use to turn all feelings off for a while? It'd be such a relief to feel nothing, I'd probably never turn it back on because emotions and feelings can smother you to within an inch of your life when you least expect it and I hate the fact I'm a slave to them. I guess I'm more emotional than the average person and little molehill's of problems do tend to turn into mountains for me pretty quickly because I'm useless at dealing with things. I'm sure i'd function much better in life without feelings. Everything has been going pretty well lately and because of one stupid wrong turn I've fucked things up again and feel right miserable. I've reached a crossroads but I'm not going to go down 'that' route again though - been there, done that, couldn't fit in the T.Shirt. It's been a year since my last depressive state and whilst the odd niggle, moan always escapes from me online, making me seem like a miserable bastard, I am actually alot happier than previously.

It's hard being alone sometimes, I'm not saying people in relationships always have it easy but at the end of the day if you're in a loving relationship you're not completely alone. There's always someone there to reassure you or comfort you. I haven't been in a relationship since 2007 and even then the last year of that relationship was pointless. No matter how alone I am, I never quite get used to it.

Also - whilst we're on the topic of waiting; JAM has cancelled today's appointment. If you read one of my earlier blogs you'll know that today was the day I was supposed to have an appointment to discuss meds. I got a txt from JAM this morning saying she couldn't make the appointment and she'd give me a call later. Again, waiting. I really don't know why I bother.