LOST AND FOUND

I found an old poem I wrote thirteen years ago. Some of my old poetry really makes me cringe, but at the time I thought the words were gold dust and clung to them in an emo-induced state. Kinda random how I found this one really, because I thought I'd thrown all that shit out. Maybe this one stuck around for a reason? When I started typing this blog I was originally going to share it with you, but then I thought.... NO.

Thanks for the cool feedback on the new blog layout by the way - The brighter colours seem to have had a positive outcome. Hopefully the next few blogs will be a bit brighter in subject matter too because August has been a pretty crappy month in general me thinks so I'm more than happy to leap into September. New month - New start and all that bollocks. I have a therapy session with JAM on Wednesday but I haven't done any of the tasks I was set, so I'm expecting a slap on the wrist.

I'm a bit of a loose end today, chasing my tail and wondering what the hell to do with myself. As the day is almost over I can't see anything exciting happening so we'll strike it down to 'one of those days' I guess. Have you heard that song 'Mercy' by Duffy? Well thanks to last weekend's X Factor I have it stuck in my head. I've even downloaded it.

Gaaah make it stop!!

WANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND

It's the bank holiday weekend and as usual the rain has put in an appearance. Not that it matters to me safely tucked up in the comforts of my attic rooms, although "Beryl" seems a bit pissed off she's stuck indoors. When Lucy is grumpy I call her Beryl - Lucy doesn't look like a 'Lucy' when she's grumpy or just woken up, she's definitely a Beryl. Confused? Imagine how Lucy feels. I thought it was about time I gave my blog layout a bit of a tweek too. Hope you like it? (Well, to be honest it doesn't matter if you like it or not - it's done now.) I'll find a suitable photo at some point.

I found out the other day that my Mum and brother are going on holiday the day before my birthday. (nice of them.) I don't know how long for - I think it's just a weekend to test out the new caravan in Mablethorpe. It's not like I'll be alone on my birthday, I'll have friends there to celebrate with but I keep having doubts about what to actually do for my birthday weekend, one minute I'm all geared up for a party - the next the very thought of being around people makes me feel uneasy. It's been a long time since I interacted with anybody in person and putting it off seems to only be making it harder. It's weird at times because more often than not I don't feel very sociable, yet I spend 99% of my time talking to people on the phone or online so I can't really say I'm keeping to myself because I'm not. (Although my therapist won't agree - Cow!) I guess it's different online though because even if you're on a webcam (sometimes) or using a microphone there isn't that pressure of having the person sat infront of you face to face - You can turn the webcam off at any time and scratch your ass in peace. Having people around has never really been easy for me. I enjoy it, don't get me wrong but at times I feel very uncomfortable around friends or family, even the ones I've known for years and I can't seem to tolerate it for long periods of time without feeling the need to run off and scrub my face in bleach. I've a feeling that'll always be the case though, and no amount of therapy is ever going to change that so I live with it and deal with it accordingly.

Part of me still wants to hide away. I'm still hurting alot over recent events and being around people only brings about the need to smile and act happy - but I don't feel happy. I feel lost and am still grieving. Someone asked me how I was the other day via txt message, so I explained I was fine but didn't want to meet up with them like they'd asked coz I felt a bit down and their reply was "Still?" as if I should be over it all by now, as if it meant nothing in the first place. Is there a time limit on how long it should take you to get over losing someone you were close to? I felt worse then, like I was taking forever to move on and their reaction made me think I might have been taking longer than the average person to move on. I'm not ready to move on just yet. It'll happen in time hopefully. Some people want you to open up and be honest with them but when you start to with anything heavy they just shut down and want you to go away. Some people really only want to know how you are when they KNOW you're 100% fine and the answer will mean they won't have to 'deal with anything' right now and can move on to tell you about their problems. I know alot of people that are all 'me, me, me' but that's fine, I can walk away at any time if I want to just like they can. But don't ask me how I am if you don't want to know the answer. If you want the bog standard response of "I'm fine." I can do that too and we can all live happily ever after.

ACCEPT THE THINGS YOU CANNOT CHANGE, BITCH!

You know when you're having a wank and you're happily chugging along left to the devices of your own imagination when suddenly a familar face pops into your mind, someone you've had sex with before back in the day but you REALLY REALLY don't want to see again, not because he's now married with kids but coz he has the smallest dick in the history of 'smallest dicks' and you think to yourself NOOOO STOP! but yet you don't let go, you carry on at at uncomfortable yet steady pace and before you know it orgasmic delight and the lasting image you finished on is Steve Hastings? No? Just me then. The worst thing was I wasn't even dreaming - this actually happened. I'm currently soaking in bleach and awaiting a 12 week course of intense therapy to start. There's hope for me yet.



I Spent most of yesterday on the phone. Strange really, people I'd not spoken to for months all calling on the same day. I must have subconciously sent out a signal implying I was in dire need of a gossip. None of them managed to entice me out of my brick walled cocoon though, but we had alot to catch up on I guess. It helped pass the time thats for sure because before I knew it the day was over and I finally got some much needed sleep. I feel quite refreshed this morning - something I've not felt for quite a while. Maybe things will settle down a bit now? I keep repeating that mantra to myself "Accept the things you cannot change, Bitch!" and after about a million times it probably is finally starting to settle into my brain that it is what it is and I can't do fuck all about what comes my way except live through it. It's a horrible feeling knowing you can't put something right you've broken, but that's just it, you CAN'T put it right no matter how hard you try, so why bother? I don't mean why bother at all, coz clearly some things are worth fighting for, but when repeated attempts to make amends fall on deaf ears and you're hurting yourself over and over when the other person has moved on and just hates you more and more for not letting go. Nothing you do, no amount of promises or words can change the inevitable so just build a bridge and get over it, as painful as it may be to take those first few steps and MY GOD it still hurts like buggery but I'm on the bridge and it hasn't collapsed so YAY for me.

TIRED EYES [BURNING LIKE FIRE?]

It is impossible to sleep in this place. My bedroom window overlooks a street full of old people, well they do actually have homes they live in, they're not just lined up in the street or anything and most nights one of their alarms will go off, of course 90% of them can't hear the alarm if they've already taken their hearing aids out so its of little help. Lastnight one of the alarms was going off for about an hour from around 1am. I couldn't sleep at all once I'd been woken. No-one came to answer the call of this alarm, so I don't actually know what the point of having said alarm was, or why it was even going off, it just stopped at exactly 2.11am. SILENCE - Until the phone rang at 7.30am that is and the deep husky voice of a courrier bellowed down the phone that he'd been trying to deliver a parcel (the missing printer ink!) for the last couple of days but couldnt find my house. I asked if he was actually anywhere near my street, he said no, he was at home, so I gave him directions for the local area, not actually thinking that 'home' for him could have been Bristol, coz 3 hours later he still hasn't arrived, but coz I was expecting him I was forced out of bed at 7.30am. It feels like I've not slept properly in weeks - oh yeah, that's because I HAVEN'T!!! I'm in such a grumpy mood these days is 6 hours uninterrupted sleep toooo much to ask for?

OH NO, PEDRO!

Anyone who knows me knows I don't like change. I hate it when I have to see a new Doctor and once I get used to someone looking after my care the last thing I want to do is start all over again with someone new. The latest professional to run out on me is my dentist!! I got a letter saying due to circumstances beyond his control the planned appointment I had with him had to be cancelled and would I phone the surgery to make a new one. I did that only to be told that Pedro Estevez has left. NOOOOOOO!!! I've only just got used to him proding about at my teefs WHY did he have to leave?!? Or maybe it was because of me he left? Maybe the thought of having to look down at me open mouthed one more time was enough to make him run for the hills? DAMN! BUGGER! and BLAST!



My new appointment is with someone I can't even remember the name of. All I remember is it's a man with an unpronouncable name and it's on 8th September.

REVOLVING DOORS

This week has been a little difficult at times but with it has come some surprises. It's always weird when people remove themselves from your life, for whatever reason, it leaves you feeling a great sense of loss. I'm still grieving the loss of someone special in my life and although the grieving process is a private affair it does spill over into everyday life so it's been hard to keep it hidden at times I suppose. As time goes on I'm accepting things more and more though and whilst I hate it when people speak bad of the person in question, in a way I suppose it's helping because it points out to me that there are always negative qualities to a person as well as positive, when you care about someone so much you don't see the negative side of anything.

What's just as confusing as losing someone is when people who fucked off years ago show up again. Someone I haven't heard from in quite a few years messaged me on Myspace recently. It kinda messes with my mind at times when people do this because I get too attatched to people in my life and when they leave, it hurts but you kinda get used to them not being around. When they show up again unannounced it brings back a flashflood of memories - some good, some bad. I guess if anything it'll be a distraction from losing my friendship with Joe. Not quite sure what to make of the reappearance just yet though, whilst it'll be a good distraction I have to bare in mind that there was a reason we lost contact before surely? Time will tell I guess.

Sometimes I wish friendships weren't so complicated. I know I complicate things more than most, but sometimes... Meh!

OLD HABITS DIE HARD

I seem to have slipped back into my old anti-social ways of late. I've built brick walls around me and I'm happily sitting inside them eating crisps, but sooner or later the crisps will run out and I'll be forced back into the real world, where hopefully there will at least be some vodka waiting.

Anywhoo... When I do come out it'll be September and I have a birthday looming. People have asked what my plans are and normally there would be a party on the horizon but I'm really not sure what to do this year. I'm still mourning the loss of a really good friend and celebrating seems wrong somehow. Although some might say that's just what I need to get over this - I'm unsure of what to do. Part of me thinks "PARRRRTY!!!" but the bank balance is saying "Microwaved meal for one and a recycled party hat from last year." I just don't know where to go from here. I feel shit and being around people when I'm feeling low is the last thing I want but as it was pointed out to me yesterday by dearest JAM, those are the warning signs that have triggered events in the past that have only ended in tears. My tears.

I know what I need to do and hopefully I'll eventually convince myself to do it and get back out there.

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

So a few of you have asked what happened to the recent blog I posted. I guess it's still showing up on the main feed but the actual blog itself has been removed. I was stupid to post it really, I was upset and letting off steam is one thing, but lowering myself even lower than I had wasn't going to achieve anything in the long run was it? Nothing has changed but I thought the best thing to do was to delete it. I don't normally delete posts and I apologise to those people who had taken the time to write lengthy comments on that particular blog, oddly enough it was my most-commented blog ever but it still had to go. I know how frustrating it can be when someone deletes your comments, it wasn't done out of malice or to edit what people said or anything, I just felt for my own sanity a post like that should be where it belongs - in the recycle bin.