THERE'S NOBODY IN - PISS OFF!

Do you know what really pisses me off? Of course you do - I moan every day on Facebook and Twitter and that's more than likely where you've arrived here from. BUT what is rrrreally pissing me off at the moment is how people just come in and out of your life when they chuffing well feel like it - not bothering to check if it's ok to just waltz back into your world as if they'd never been away. If you've fucked off - then stay FUCKED OFF! It's sooo much simpler for all of us that way. It's never easy when someone you care about doesn't have time for you anymore or they're busy with other things, but these things do happen and sometimes they can't be helped but when you've had time to get used to someone not being around, the last thing you want is for them to come charging back into your life again, expecting to pick up where you left off, as if nothing had ever happened.

It gets on my tits how some people only want you when they're in the shit or having a miserable time. "Oh Dave's always there - I'll go back to him when there's nothing better to do. He won't mind." Well to be honest I do mind! If things are going okay for these annoying people, theyre back in a relationship or they're loved up on other friends then you don't see them for dust. A bit of consistancy here is all I'm asking. I understand people lead busy lives and its not always possible to keep in touch on a daily basis, but don't treat me like a fucking idiot and leave it for months and months until your relationship breaks down and you need some mug to sit and listen to you whine about it all night because I won't be here. I don't want fairweather friends - I want people around me who care enough not to treat me like a fucking idiot. Respect me and you'll get ten times as much respect back, seriously. I'm a loyal friend but I'm sick of being picked up only to then be dropped when something better comes along. You're right - I probably will just be sitting here when you need me, but next time the door will be well and truly bolted when you come calling in need of sympathy and support if we can't at least share a few fun times together inbetween the crap.

STILL WAITING

I spend most of my life waiting - Waiting for phonecalls, Waiting for replies, Waiting for whatever. I'm currently stuck at home waiting for a parcel and as if that wasn't bad enough I'm also waiting to let some guy into the garage for my brother. My brother called this morning and because he's working elsewhere the guy he works with will need access to the garage where the motorbikes are stored and I've been lumbered with the task of letting him in. He's not due until twelve so at least I know when he's coming. The parcel however is scheduled to arrive anytime between 8am and 6pm, so it's pretty much anybodies guess when that will turn up.



I'm in a grumpy mood. I'd like to blame the heat but I'm still feeling bitter from yesterday's little 'curiosity' slip up. Barely slept lastnight, although that possibly was because of the heat. 'He' has been on my mind ever since. If only there was a switch I cud use to turn all feelings off for a while? It'd be such a relief to feel nothing, I'd probably never turn it back on because emotions and feelings can smother you to within an inch of your life when you least expect it and I hate the fact I'm a slave to them. I guess I'm more emotional than the average person and little molehill's of problems do tend to turn into mountains for me pretty quickly because I'm useless at dealing with things. I'm sure i'd function much better in life without feelings. Everything has been going pretty well lately and because of one stupid wrong turn I've fucked things up again and feel right miserable. I've reached a crossroads but I'm not going to go down 'that' route again though - been there, done that, couldn't fit in the T.Shirt. It's been a year since my last depressive state and whilst the odd niggle, moan always escapes from me online, making me seem like a miserable bastard, I am actually alot happier than previously.

It's hard being alone sometimes, I'm not saying people in relationships always have it easy but at the end of the day if you're in a loving relationship you're not completely alone. There's always someone there to reassure you or comfort you. I haven't been in a relationship since 2007 and even then the last year of that relationship was pointless. No matter how alone I am, I never quite get used to it.

Also - whilst we're on the topic of waiting; JAM has cancelled today's appointment. If you read one of my earlier blogs you'll know that today was the day I was supposed to have an appointment to discuss meds. I got a txt from JAM this morning saying she couldn't make the appointment and she'd give me a call later. Again, waiting. I really don't know why I bother.

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT

Panic not - Lucy is alive. (I hope.) *checks* Yup - She is.

I know it's never a good idea to look at people's online profiles, pages of people you have/have had feelings for in the past, some things are better just left alone, even if you are "Just friends" now, sometimes seeing things can bring back jealous feelings or general feelings you don't really need or want. I was pretty bored tonight so I've been taking time to look at people's Facebook pages, some might call it 'stalking' but I'd call it 'showing an interest.' ha. I didn't move anything, I kept off the grass and tidied up when I'd finished so no harm done right? WRONG!!! I rrrrreally wish I'd watched a dvd or something instead coz I had a snoop on someones page (no point naming names.) someone I once had a really strong relationship with and still do care about very much. We shared alot together but things kinda drifted apart/moved on yadda yadda yadda.... anywaaaay.... we'd not spoken for a lifetime and I was reading a few things on his page and saw a photograph of his family. He's got two kids now and he's engaged. I knew he'd had kids but coz we weren't speaking the details were a bit hazey and I didn't really know anything about them, but there they were right infront of me, smiling and looking exactly like him. I'm Gutted. 100% totally winded by the thought of it and what could have been if he hadn't have fucked off. Stupid, I know. I don't think about him very often, but when I do I have this strong feeling about him. There's only really three people in my life I have truly been 100% madly in love with and he was the first.

WHHHYYYYY did I look at his bastard profile?!?!

CONFUSED.COM

I thought I'd write another blog/rant. I have news for those who just love to listen to me moan about my life - Nothing exciting though, quite annoying actually. Doctor Powar has upped my meds. This is cause for concern in a way, because usually they only up my medication when I've been down or suicidal, which is understandable, but I had a really good weekend last weekend and went to this appointment with quite a spring in my step. I just can't win with that place. If everythings ok they seem to look for things to make something not ok. Funnily enough I bumped into my old therapist on my way out of the building and I had a long chat/moan with her in the carpark about this. She totally agreed with me and suggested complaining. I've done alot of stuff recently, stuff I wouldnt normally do and if I could do it without the aid of this medication increase then surely the option would be to reduce it not just throw an extra 150mg of pregabalin into the mix? I'm already keeping my local chemist in business singlehanded so WHY give me more? It upset me alittle so I phoned JAM and she seemed quite surprised too, for once we were in agreement about how shit the administration in that place can be. I've been given an extra appointment on Monday to go in and discuss my concerns, so I guess I'll know more then. I just don't get it. WHY give someone more medication when everything is going ok? I know I'm not the happiest person in the world, but things have really changed since last year. This month last year I was in hospital having my stomach pumped after an attempted suicide, I'd self-harmed loads, totally ruined my life and didn't care about anything or anyone. Totally understandable that a Doctor would up medication then, as they did, gave me extra appointments, more meds etc. but its just pissed me off that they've done this when there is no cause for concern. Its like they want me to fail. Maybe I'm being paranoid who knows?

Ive been on my own this week - Its been fabulous. Ive done what I want when I want and as loud as I want. Its been really good not having people around telling me what to do. I'm really missing Joe, got used to him being around alot before he went away and whilst I'm really really happy he's having a cool time, the fact we've not really spoken much has left a gap in my social life. I've seen quite alot of my friends recently so I shouldn't complain really, I do miss our chats though. I wish more people lived closer, alot of the friends I've met online I have to arrange overnight stays when I see them because it's too far to travel there and back in a day. I love having long weekends with them but it'd be nice to have more people closeby to pop round for a quick spur-of-the-moment coffee or something ya know? Even my fuck buddies seem to be moving further afield. I haven't had a decent shag in weeks. (No offence S****. HAHAHA)

BALLS!

I left my cheesy balls in Tesco. (No, that's not a euphemism.) I did a big shop today, hoarding supplies for the weekend and it would appear that some of the nibbles I bought didn't make it through the checkout. BUGGER! I must have left them at the end of the conveyor belt. I checked the receipt and neither the cheesy balls or cheese & chive discs were on it. Maybe this is Gods way of telling me to cut out the maize snacks and go for something more healthy? Panic not weekend guests - I shall replenish supplies tomorrow. No party is complete without cheesy balls.

When I got home I found 4 missed calls on my phone. (Yes, I know mobile phones were invented so you can actually take them out of the house and use them but it would appear my brain always forgets to actually pick mine up.) They were all from a witheld number, which normally would mean they were from JAM. She's the only person whoever rings me from a witheld number, so out of politeness and a semi-panic as to what she might want I called her. The receptionist who answered said JAM wasn't there (Surprise - NOT!) and wasn't due back until Thursday. (This is quite odd coz she only works Monday to Wednesday at the Cedars. So i'm sure this 'Thursday' will become a 'Monday' at some point. I don't know why they just don't write AWOL on her board and have done with it. No-one seemed to know anything about her wanting to contact me though, so I'm assuming it can't have been that important. My guess is she was calling to cancel the next appointment, if indeed it was actually her? Who knows.

What a blinding blog of interest this turned out to be - I'm sure you'll agree.

HAIR TODAY - GONE TOMORROW

Got a haircut today - Which in theory would have been fine had I not dyed my hair yesterday and still had half of it all over my face. For some stupid reason I didn't notice this until AFTER the hair cut. Once Paul had shaved my head it was glaringly obvious that I now had black ears and had dyed half my face the day before. I couldn't get home quick enough. I felt like such a twat.

I've been in a miserable mood the past few days. Can't explain it really - have no idea why but I'm loosing my temper easily, deleting anyone online that fucks me off and generally feeling like I want to punch everyone. (Panic not people due to visit me this week - I've never punched anyone in my life.) I'm hoping it'll pass, bad moods usually do.

My blogs also seem to have lost their way a bit of late, reading back over the last few there doesn't appear to be a clear sense of direction. Not that there are any set rules for writing blogs I guess, but usually I have a point I want to make. Maybe the point of today's blog is just highlighting the fact I have crap hair? Hopefully the arrival of my 'mouse ears' will detract from the crappy hair. I can't wait to try them on - mouse ears seem to be all the rage at the moment, dahling.

CH-CH-CH-CH CHARMIN

To say "I'm a little pissed off" is like saying Marvin is "A little bit camp".

ME: I need a few things from Tesco. I don't suppose there's any chance of a lift?

MUM: Not today. I'll only spend if I go in a supermarket. What do you need? Can't you make do with what you've got?

ME: Nevermind


About 15 MINUTES Later...


MUM: I'm going to Asda with Kev if Sylvia comes over tell her I've popped out and I'll nip over when I'm back.

ME: *stunned silence* WHAT? I thought you didn't want to go shopping today?

MUM: Oh, you wanted a lift didn't you. Shall I bring you anything?

ME: Nevermind

*door slam*

LITTLE HIGHS

Still feeling kinda Meh! But the meds problem is now sorted. Horrah.

It's been a sizzlin day in Wigston today. Summer is back and hopefully it'll stay. I did actually venture out for a bit earlier but then took the chance to have a good clearout of crap I don't need when I got back. I seem to do this alot, it helps. You may have also noticed I kept some crap I didn't need but couldn't bring myself to get rid of, but that's not always a bad thing.

The kids have been here all day screaming the place down with their presence, so good to see them but it's really peaceful now they've gone. Maybe Lucy will come out of hiding? She took one look at them when they arrived this morning and bolted for the perimeter wall, I'm sure she'll be back for feeding time.

AT THE CEDARS CENTRE NO-ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM

I keep trying to blog but it's so much harder than before. There are things I want to write about but soon as I've got a paragraph down I find myself editing it as not to offend certain people, so then when all the juicy bits are taken out it just looks like a pointless mass of words not worth bothering with, so I don't. I don't know what's wrong with me lately, I used to just say what I thought without fear of consequences but now I feel this big weight on my shoulder whispering "Are you SURE you want to post that?" in my ear because it has, in the past, only served to cause me problems instead of being a theraputic release.

One thing I can quite happily moan about though are my Doctors, and with good reason. Due to Doctor Powar's incapability to sign his own name on my prescription I've been without medication since Friday. I've tried chasing this up daily but the Bank Holiday threw everything into chaos and I'm being passed back and forth between Doctors Powars and Drucquer neither of which are taking responsibility and both of their receptionists are seemingly claiming to have heard "nothing about it". So what do I do? Just sit here waiting until one of them remembers that for the past ten years or so I have actually been taking medication on a daily basis and actually takes it upon themselves to give me some? SO FRUSTRATING!

Tried calling JAM but she's never around. I've left message after message and all I get is either "She's not here at the moment" or "She's due back any minute - I'll get het to give you a call." I've called four times today alone and each time she's "Due back any minute". She's been back apparantely inbetween my calls but popped out again, which is worse coz that means she's got my messages and just ignored them. It's been five days without medication now, and as I'm not swinging from the rafters it's making me wonder if I really needed their damn pills in the first place. This dilema hasn't been resolved and I'm still waiting for someone, ANYONE to call me back and tell me when I can collect some tablets. Doctor Drucquer can't give me medication until Doctor Powar has approved it, because in the past I have been a suicide risk where medication has been concerned, so I totally understand that, but if Doctor Powar is too lazy to sign a prescription he's hardly gonna go to the trouble and write a letter of confirmation and fax it through to Doctor Drucquer is he?



Anyone who has read 'Let Them Eat Pills' wondering if the place is REALLY that bad - trust me, it isn't... IT'S WORSE!!