Too much negative energy is definitely a bad thing. I haven't blogged in what feels like a lifetime. Instead I've been keeping a handwritten journal, but in doing so, knowing I'm the only person who would be reading it, I'm posting more and more negative entries as the year goes on and that's not what I intended to do. Reading some of them back to myself is cringeworthy, seriously. Sure there will be days when I feel down and the negative thoughts/comments will come flooding out, that's fine and probably just as theraputic but I think knowing this is online and maybe one or two people might eventually see it will hopefully contain some of the negative crap and I'd be drawn to more positive inspiration for writing. Writing things down whether it's good or bad definitely helps me. I'm still going to be keeping my diary. I'm getting alot from it just jotting things down everyday to myself, even though when I look back it's filled with alot of negative energy and woe-is-Dave. (Most diaries are I guess?) It would be a shame if someone found my diary when I was dead, read it and only remembered me as a whiney little cunt who could never look on the brightside of life. I used to be so much happier. I'd be fun to be around and at weekends I actually had friends who lived close enough to come round quite often. They'd flock here and gather with each other every weekend without fail. We had some amazing times back in the day and some not-so-amazing times but it was all part of the experience. It's hard not to miss those days, even though I have different friends and we still have amazing times and make our own memories in similar fashion, all be it with more of a gap inbetween meeting up as everyone I know lives so damn far away now. Nobody from the old days is still around. Wendy, Chelle, Richard, Chris - All gone their own seperate ways and started families where as Me? I'm still here. Same old Dave... OLD being the more blatant word there. Still at The Bungalow longing for the next party. Maybe I'm past all that now? Maybe this is my life afterall and instead of fighting it I should embarce it with open arms and live it? Alone or otherwise.
I've noticed in some of my diary entries that I spend too much time focussing on others. I seem to spend alot of time worrying about other people. If someone is online regularly but suddenly stops I wonder where they are and worry if they're okay. If I txt someone and ask how they're doing but several days pass and I still have no reply, I worry. When the reality of it is they're probably just too busy to bother replying or to let me in on the fun times they're having without me. Some of the people I talk to only seem to want to know me when they have problems, when they need some advice or want to be complimented on how great they are so they can feel good about themselves, but as soon as they do they're off again and you don't see them for dust. (If you're reading this and think you fall into that category, just remember: It'd be nice to share the bad times AND the good times of your life. That's what real friends do.) I wonder sometimes who worries about me? Who would take time out of their day to send me a txt message to see if I was okay and actually mean it, not just use it as a gateway to unload their problems once I've lied and said "I'm okay. How are you?" because I'm not "okay" at the moment. I seem to be in this weird mood again clutching a feeling of loneliness wrapped up in uselessness of late. I feel like an outsider, struggling to fit in. I'm longing for someone to ask if I'm okay sometimes but I'm too scared to tell them I'm not most of the time, so they'll get the standard reply, whether they believe it or not remains to be seen. Some do, Some don't. Sometimes it can be days between anyone even asking. Obviously I know who cares. I'm not saying no-one gives a shit, but it does make me wonder sometimes just who cares. I've built this existence for myself so I shouldn't complain really. I wanted this, right? I wanted to push everyone away and live alone so to be moaning when they've gone is pretty pathetic even by my standards. I have some fabulous friends who really don't deserve the shit I bring to their door, yet the fact they're still around and put up with it/help me through it is just a testiment to how fabulous they really are. Everybody needs a cheering squad rooting them on and my cheerleaders are sensational. I don't need to name them because they definitely know who they are.
I think we'll leave it there for now. But I'll be back.
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